A good friend of mine recently asked my advice on a mounting showdown with her thirteen-year-old around his phone. They had waited longer than all of his friends’ parents to finally allow a smartphone (they verified this wasn’t teenage hyperbole). They developed a contract with him to establish behavioral expectations, including limits of his phone use.
A few months into phone ownership they discovered that he was violating those limits, sneaking time to text after the phone was supposed to be charging in another room for the night.
My friend fretted that they gave him the phone too soon after all and couldn’t go back now. Had they made a grave, irreversible parenting error?
First, I’m going to remind all of us that it’s not a matter of if teens bend the rules and use poor judgment, it’s when. It’s not a reflection of weak or ineffective parenting. It’s also not a sign of raising an immoral human. It’s a developmental necessity to test limits of authority and a reminder that young teens’ brains operate with impulsivity and a focus on immediate gratification.
I’ve known this thirteen-year-old since he was small enough to sleep in a closet when we forgot our pack-n-play for our toddler one vacation. This young man is incredibly bright, charming, witty, and has never met a power struggle he didn’t relish. The boy can out-argue the best arguers.
Applying the ideas from my book to real life keeps me intellectually honest about how the science might or might not translate to real parenting dilemmas. So, I welcomed the challenge and talked my friend through putting the science of autonomy-supportive parenting into practice.
Autonomy-Supportive Parenting in Action
When my friend explained that her and her husband’s first reaction was to place firmer limits, I agreed that made intuitive sense. But it probably wouldn’t work. Sometimes – many times in parenting – what makes sense logically doesn’t match what works on an emotional and psychological level. In this case, I envisioned how stricter limits would be like pouring gasoline onto the sparks of conflict and rebellion already brewing to erupt into a fiery explosion, burning everyone involved.
Knowing his personality, his mother and I talked through how this intensely single-minded child may respond to tighter rules. He would likely double down his defiance, drawing out and intensifying the battle. And, as my own fourteen-year-old often says, “strict parents make sneaky kids.” Who knows what this bright and resourceful child would come up with to outwit his parents. They could quickly end up in a never-ending loop of stricter rules and sneakier behaviors (or outright refusal to comply).
I dared to suggest that instead, she attempt an open-ended conversation with him about why he’s breaking the rules. To show an interest in what’s going on for him so he would not operate defensively from fear of judgment and punishment. Then move on to address the problem of not following family rules. Honor his intelligence and creative problem-solving and ask for his ideas about how to proceed in a way that maintains important limits for his health.
My friend seemed skeptical but willing. I was nervous — it felt like my principles were on the line. What if it all backfired? Would I have to cancel myself for misguiding parents with this autonomy-supportive nonsense?
When we next chatted on the phone, my friend told me what happened. Predictably, her son shared that he was the only one of his friends to be cut off from his phone at the appointed time and he missed out on group conversations. He felt the cut-off time was unreasonable. To her credit, his mother understood his point and asked for his idea of a reasonable cut-off time — and he gave one earlier than she would have been willing to allow! (Our kids will often surprise us in this direction — remember we still have veto power as the ultimate authority figures.)
My friend noticed how different this interaction felt compared to their history, and what she predicted would happen. Everyone stayed calm. They came up with a solution that everyone felt comfortable with. Power struggle averted.
Why Fear Matters
A key part of our impromptu parent coaching session in that phone call, however, was not just strategy-based, but an exploration of my friend’s fears. Just like we want to help our kids understand their emotions, we need to understand our emotions about a charged situation before we can think more clearly about how to proceed. In many parenting scenarios, this means understanding what we’re scared of.
In this situation, I asked my friend what she feared about her son’s phone use. Addiction. What would be the worst-case scenario of removing the limit altogether? He’ll be on the phone all night and won’t sleep. [Note: I ask about worst-case scenario not to suggest “would it be so bad to have no limits?” but more to dig into the fear. I am rarely black and white, but I am 100% certain our kids should not have access to their phones all night!]
One truism of human behavior is that the best predictor of the future is what happened in the past. So, I asked my friend, “what has happened in the past when you’ve had similar fears?” She realized that she and her husband feared the addictive effects of video games when their son was younger.
“And what happened?”
She reflected, “Well, it took a little time, but he’s actually really good about knowing when he needs to stop. It’s not a big deal.”
I pushed further. “Is he addicted to video games?”
“No.”
“How did he get to the point he’s at now?”
She paused. “Well, I guess kind of like what’s happening now. He learned over time and now he just feels when he needs breaks and goes to do other things.”
She and I were on the phone but I could feel the lightbulb flashing over her head.
My friend’s parenting dilemma also provides an on-the-ground example of why I argue against fear-based messaging aimed at parents as I did last week. These messages infiltrate our parenting in ways we are likely not conscious of, such as reflexively refusing to consider a teen’s request to loosen cell phone limits because we have visions of their mental health deterioriating. The headlines about teen mental health flash through our subconscious like chyrons on CNN. We likely don’t make a conscious connection between our fear and our response, but in the moment of our child’s request to flex a rule, we feel convinced we cannot budge on the limit.
My hope is to offer a perspective and information that can help you as parents digest fear-based messaging with discernment. Take what’s helpful from the plethora of articles and expert interviews so you can exercise thoughtful caution. Then balance that caution with tuning into who your child is and what they need as an individual. Not a statistic in a research study.
The Roadmap
Although this exact formula of steps that my friend used with her son may not “work” with your child, the autonomy-supportive roadmap can be useful for whatever power struggle may be brewing in your family.
Check in with your own fears.
Take time to ask your child curious questions and consider your child’s perspective.
Be willing to be flexible about rules while maintaining healthy limits.
Collaborate with your child to solve a problem instead of facing off against each other.
Avoid that power struggle if possible because at the end, nobody truly wins.
**You can order Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop
Podcast pairing!
How to Make America’s Young People Happy Again: On The Happiness Lab with Dr. Laurie Santos, she leads a fascinating discussion with an Oxford researcher about results from a recent study of happiness in young people around the world. American youth are some of the worse off globally but there’s hope — including advice on parenting around social media!
How I’ve Been Relaxing
My longtime subscribers know that for years I’ve included a “Fun and Brain Food” section of my monthly newsletter with recommendations of what to read, listen to, and watch. I’ve realized this same setup doesn’t quite fit the flow of Substack, but I love sharing pop culture recommendations because I’m always looking for them too!
So here’s how I’ve been relaxing lately:
Watching: Shogun, Hulu (This type of show is more of my husband’s jam — an epic tale of Japanese politics in 1600 based on a 1970s book series, but it’s surprisingly exciting and beautiful to watch.)
Read: Pineapple Street, Jenny Jackson (I read this in the few days we got away for spring break and it was the perfect quick novel to fly through. A blend of a dsyfunctional family with a social commentary on wealth, I felt transported to a world I will never know and don’t really want to!)
Listened: Sweet Bobby (This British podcast series follows the most complex true story of catfishing documented to date, with a surprise twist that will leave your jaw on the floor for at least ten minutes.)
What’s been your favorite way to relax lately? Leave a comment and help us all find some relaxation and escape!
In the Media
I want to give a shout-out to an important article written by my college friend and writing colleague, Sarah DiMuro about how to talk to kids about cancer. As a cancer survivor herself, she shares her personal struggle along with featuring expert advice. I’m honored she included me as one of those experts.
I also had the great fortune of interviewing childhood anxiety expert, Regine Galanti, PhD on Psychologists Off the Clock about her new book, Parenting Anxious Kids. Listen here! (And if you’re a fan of the POTC podcast, consider leaving a 5-star rating and review on Apple podcasts to help others find it. Thank you!)
I find these examples of autonomy-supportive parenting in action SO helpful, please keep them coming!
"Take what’s helpful from the plethora of articles and expert interviews so you can exercise thoughtful caution. Then balance that caution with tuning into who your child is and what they need as an individual. Not a statistic in a research study."
Such a helpful reminder, to take the information but always remember what you know about your child and family!