How to Raise Open-Minded Kids in a Polarized World

A Q&A with Melinda Wenner Moyer about her new book

In case you missed the news, the great parenting science writer,

Melinda Wenner Moyer

, has a new book out this week! I had the opportunity to interview Melinda for Psychologists Off the Clock about her book, Hello Cruel World: Science-based Strategies for Raising Terrific Kids in Terrifying Times, and wanted to share an excerpt (lightly edited for clarity). You can listen to the whole episode here. In addition to what you read here about how bias and polarization form and how we can offset both in our parenting, we discuss more strategies for raising kind people and the critical role we play in influencing our child’s relationship with media and technology. Enjoy!

Emily:  Today we are going to zero in on some really specific areas where parents feel especially unmoored, confused, and uncertain about how to proceed. Melinda, you and I share a lot of perspective in common and I think one of them is how much parents are operating from places of anxiety and fear and for understandable reasons, as this world seems to be shape-shifting so fast, it's like the ground is moving beneath our feet.

That's true digitally what's with what's happening with technology, but also politically and socially, there's been so much upheaval. So I just want to validate that we're really in uncharted territory for how to parent in this landscape that is moving so fast. So with that said, let's start with a very important topic, preventing bias and polarization. I want to start with laying the foundation and have you explain why and how bias and polarization form.

Melinda:  So if we start with bias, and about how kids think about groups of people and form opinions about groups of people that are not accurate or discriminatory. So as humans, we lump things into categories and we do this because otherwise you can't make sense of the world. The world is complex and we need to be able to make generalizations, group things together in order to understand what we are encountering in the world, what we're seeing, and how to respond.

But one byproduct of this categorization, this essentialization, is that we believe, and kids do this from a very young age, that noticeable differences between people, like whether it's differences in skin color, gender, religion, that these kinds of differences reflect these much broader and deeper and innate biological differences.

And so kids will start to think that all people with dark skin are the same in certain ways, and that all people with light skin are the same in certain ways. All boys, all girls. Obviously this isn't true, but this is just one of those byproducts of how our brains work. And the problem is that this very quickly can lead to stereotyping.

I mean, it's the foundation of stereotyping, dehumanization, discrimination. And we know from the research that kids who have stronger essentialist beliefs in general and just more essentialist tendencies are more likely to have discriminatory and bias and racist opinions.

So this is one big cause of it. Another thing that's related to this is that kids see these hierarchies that exist in society and they make inferences. So they see that men have tend to have more power in our society than women do.  They see that white people tend to have more power in our world. And, because they're also forming these categorizations about people, they think, okay, well maybe that's because all white people are just inherently smarter or more powerful, or, you know, all men are more powerful and smarter than women.

And if they're not given the real reasons for these hierarchies, that they are structural, that they're extrinsic, that they're due to discrimination and racism and sexism, the natural conclusion that kids make is like, well, the people in power are just better and the groups in power are just better. So those are the two big things that lead to the formation of bias and discrimination and all the isms that we want to avoid.

Polarization is a little different. There's not as much research on how polarization develops. There's a lot of ideas, but a couple things I call out in my book is that we know that there are these really powerful expectations for kids to develop and adults for that matter too, to develop and voice these really moralized strong opinions, especially on social media.

We see it all over social media, really strong opinions, right? And that's because that's rewarded on social media. That's what gets shared. But it's also because, and there's really fascinating, and frankly, I found very disturbing research showing that people tend to be less trustful of people who don't take sides on issues.

 So our brains, the way we're socialized, we live in a culture where strong opinions are rewarded no matter what they are. So that is something that is going to lead to a polarization of ideas. And then there's also that we keep ourselves in bubbles, right? And these bubbles that we're in on social media and in the real world, and based on what we read, they just reinforce these stronger and more extremist ideas and beliefs to the point where we just move further and further in whatever direction we've started in.

Emily:  One thing you get into in your book that especially resonated with me was that you point out the research around when people, and in this case, our kids, feel heard, when we're letting them express their beliefs, people become more self-reflective and open-minded. When people feel anxious and threatened, they're more likely to adopt extreme views and opinions. So one thing we can do in our families, is allow space for the different opinions, even opinions that may feel very transgressive to us as the parent.

Melinda:  Yes. This was a really fascinating area of research to me and I loved it because it is so simple.  There are so many reasons why listening to your kids, asking them questions and then truly listening to what they have to say is helpful. I mean, for one thing, it means we're not put on the spot immediately.

We can say, well, what do you think about this? Or, how do you feel about this? Or, what do you think is the reason for this? Which gives us a minute to breathe, right? And think about how we want to talk about whatever issue it is. It lets us see where our kids are. But really that feeling of being heard and being listened to, it's so powerful. The theory behind it is that when you feel listened to, when you feel heard, you feel safe.

And when you feel safe, you can open up your thinking more. So the opposite is when you feel threatened, like you think there's an intruder in your home, your mind goes to, I need to keep everyone safe. You just develop this tunnel vision of here's what I need to do to stay alive, and you block out everything else.

When we listen to our kids, they then feel safe enough to kind of relax and open their minds up and get rid of that tunnel vision and consider other perspectives. The research suggests that people, when they feel heard, are more self-reflective, more willing to admit their limitations and faults, and they develop less extreme views on polarizing issues. So let your kids have their opinions. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything they have to say, but just allow them to express their feelings and their opinions, even if they are opinions that you might not totally agree with.

Emily:  And to blow that out, if we're doing that in our homes, our children are learning those skills. We know that from the research too. The more empathy we have with our children, the more we understand their perspective on issues, they are learning to do that better in their social relationships. So if we are raising kids who have those skills, they're bringing that to the wider world, which is exactly what we need right now to shift some of these tides. You say this in the book, and it's one of my mantras too, that parenting is a form of activism and I see that dovetailing with this part of our discussion right now.

Melinda:  Yeah, absolutely. I saw you say that in one of your recent newsletters too, and I was like, yes, yes. That's what I say. I was just writing about parenting mantras in my newsletter. Maybe that actually is my parenting mantra: Parenting is a form of activism.¹

Emily: It’s very activating in a positive direction.

Melinda:  Yeah, it is. Right? Because I think sometimes we don't feel like we have the time to do a lot of the traditional forms of activism, you know? And then we think, oh God, I'm not doing anything to make this world a better place. But raising kids, we absolutely are. We're raising the next generation of human beings. We have so much power to shape the future.

Emily: This is the perfect segue. I’m going to share something that’s been going on in our community this year and then we’re going to talk about strategy. I live in a very diverse community that many would label progressive, and we’ve been getting emails this year about my son’s fifth grade cohort using hate language and racial slurs. It’s really disturbing because it feels so antithetical to everything this community represents. This is a place where rainbow flags and Black Lives Matter signs are all over the place and these 10-year-olds are using this language. What can we do as parents?

Melinda:  I think what you're experiencing in your community is very common. We've had that in my community too. I've gotten those emails from the school, so I think it's happening everywhere. I wish it weren't so, but there are a couple of tendencies and instincts that sometimes we have that may not be super helpful.

In this situation, I can imagine there's a group of parents who might say, well, that's not my kid, and my kid isn't involved so I don't need to talk about it. I don't need to do anything about it. I know my kid and I know that this is not something they would ever do. So that's it. It's not my problem.

I think that may well be true that your kid is not doing this, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't also have a conversation about it.

Another instinct we have sometimes is to just come down really hard  and not open it up to an actual conversation about what's going on. I don't think that's very helpful either because then if your kid does want to talk about what's going on, or what they've heard or what they're experiencing, they're going to be scared to come to you because they're like, oh mom has really angry feelings about this topic.

So what I would do in this situation is at a neutral time when I'm hopefully not super worked up about it, when my kid's not super tired, when I know we have some time is to bring it up in a curious way: Hey, you know, I got this email from school about some stuff that's happening on your group chats about people using some, words and language that is not very inclusive or not very kind (or however you want to describe it) and I'm just curious have you heard about this? Do you know anything about this?

And open up the conversation in as much of a neutral way as you can where you're not judging, you're not shaming, you're curious. And then listen to what your kid has to say. Your kid might be like, yeah, I don't understand what the big deal is, these are just words --who knows what your kid could say? It could be something that totally offends you and you're mortified and you're like, oh my God, how have I raised a kid like this? But instead of coming down really hard, really listening and trying to understand well, why do you think this? I'm really curious. I'm trying to understand. Really just try to listen and you might get to a point where you understand your kid’s perspective.

Kids at this age don't have all the social knowledge and all the social skills. They're going to make mistakes like this. It doesn't mean that they're bad people. And it doesn't mean you're a bad parent; it just means that they need to learn more, right? And they need to understand more. And so through a curious conversation, you can provide your perspective, but in a careful, neutral way. And again, ask more questions. But you want to have this dialogue and help understand why your kid feels the way they feel about it, what they might be doing and why. And then help them understand your perspective as emotionally neutrally as you possibly can. Which is easier said than done, I know.

Emily:  I also want to give a little note to parents who may have a kid who doesn’t share a lot. We want to have these amazing open dialogues and our kids don't give us very much. I have gotten creative -- I will think about a parent I really trust, reach out and say, what are you hearing? So I get a little more context. Then when I talk to my child and they're not really giving me much, I still use the opportunity to talk about it.

Melinda:  That's so true. And I do have one kid who will have a long conversation and one kid who will not. I've also found that bringing up the topic almost sideways helps. We watched Ted Lasso together, for instance. There's so many good things in Ted Lasso that deal with all sorts of issues. I'll try to think of oh, do you remember that episode of Ted Lasso when that happened and remember how so and so felt this way? Sometimes getting them to talk about not the issue that's right in front of them involving their friends and themselves, but something from the media or from something else that's sideways to it but similar can really help.

It is tricky though because not all kids want to really open up and share what they're seeing and what they're experiencing and that is really hard. But I still think trying to have a curious conversation [is useful]. Kids will still take something from that and if nothing else, they'll take your own approach to it. And the fact that you are being curious instead of jumping down their throat, I think that they will take something from that that is meaningful and will help them.

Thank you, Melinda!

If you found these tidbits interesting, Melinda has so much more practical wisdom to share — especially about media literacy and how we can influence our child’s relationship with tech and social media. Listen to the entire episode and then go get the book!

How do you respond when your child expresses a view, belief, or opinion contrary to your values? Is anyone else getting the emails Melinda and I got this school year?

A Big Thank You!

In this time of chaos — both in the world and Maycember family life — I want to take a moment to express deep gratitude to each of you who reads, subscribes, shares, comments, and tells your friend “you should check out this lady’s Substack.”

I’m knocking on the door of 4,000 subscribers after coming to Substack with fewer than 800. With the fear, anxiety, panic, and stress that seems to endlessly echo in the parenting sound chambers these days, I am committed to continuing to serve as a voice of reason, calm, balance, support, and empowerment. When you support my Substack, you support this mission. Thank you.

The next time my newsletter hits your inbox, I’ll be officially in the deep end of summer madness. And I will have said goodbye to our elementary school of nine years. Send tissues.

In parenting solidarity,

Emily

1. A reader recently commented on my Substack: “Parenting as activism? There’s a special place in hell for you.” Case in point for extreme thinking leading to divisive behavior.