Most children are going to struggle with the addictive elements of online gaming like open-world novelty, loot boxes, treasure chests, infinitely customizable avatars and games that specifically target "grinding" and extended online play. Roblox checks all of these boxes, and is even more problematic than Fortnite because it is aimed at much younger children.
-Online gaming experiences should not be a child's first lessons in self-regulation, decision making, delaying gratification, social learning, etc. Some foundation in these skills should be a pre-requisite (the more the better).
-A balanced parent/child relationship, where trust, honesty and personal responsibility have been cultivated, will make it more likely that solutions for inevitable online gaming problems are collaborative rather than adversarial.
-There is no downside to delaying access to any of this if parents use that time to help the child develop skills and attributes, which will enable them to better meet the challenges, which we know are coming.
My 4th grader and I recently started playing World of Warcraft together in the evenings as a way to both spend time together doing something fun and also give my child a regular opportunity to face frustration and failure outside of school.
They have really, really big emotions around making mistakes and failing, and in addition to the other ways we’re trying to help them learn skills to deal with that, the occasional in-game failure that has no actual consequences (the game mechanic of death is your character shows up as a ghost in a graveyard and you simply run back to where you were and “revive”, either to decide the fight is too hard or to try again) gives them an opportunity to practice dealing with those feelings.
I picked WoW because my husband and I played it before having kids, so I’m very familiar with how to play, and my kid loves fantasy and magical creatures so I knew they’d be interested.
I knew the issue would be that as an open world game, there’s always more to do! And since either my husband or I play with them, it’s easy to decide to just play a little longer… until we glance at the clock or whoever isn’t playing points out it’s way past time to stop. 🤦♀️ So we’ve started setting timers and discussing limits and how much time we can play before the game gets turned on.
These games can definitely make time disappear, and be very addictive. But I’m actually glad we’re working on how to navigate that now, at almost 10, together, vs. when they’re older and their ADHD hyperfocus causes them to become obsessed with a game or other interest as a teen or adult, with real consequences for their grades in school or their ability to keep a job. I have quite a few friends with ADHD who have struggled with that, and I want my kid to be aware that it’s something about their brain that they can control, and learn to interrupt, with practice.
This has so closely mirrored our experience with our 6th grade son. We seem to have recently gotten over a hump and my favorite change has been seeing my son and his Fortnite buddies riding bikes to the park in our neighborhood to play soccer. As they’ve gotten older they are seeking new ways to fill that social need and I’m endlessly grateful that they want to do it the old fashioned way - in person!!!
The "gotta grind" idea is so interesting, esp. when you think about all the ways that's become really common messaging in our culture. Want to achieve something, anything? Gottta grind! And "grind" inevitably equals late nights & hyperfocus & going ALL IN. It's interesting to me that "we" (American culture, broadly speaking) glorify that in sports, in work, in academics...and not in gaming. Some of that is true concern; some of it, I think, is bias and prejudice against video games vs. sports and work, which historically have more value here in the U.S. A nice opportunity, anyway, to talk about the pros & cons of "grinding," of super-focusing vs. making time for rest and sleep and all the other stuff.
My kids were at the forefront of Fortnite, when it first came out, & I wrote this in 2018 - https://buildingboys.net/fortnite-is-not-a-waste-of-time/. I share that b/c I think it's important for us adults to recognize the upsides of some of these things that we (understandably!) see as only making our lives harder.
And, that was in 2018. It's 2024 now. Games are getting ever better at keeping our attention.
As a middle school teacher, I can't stand that game. What do they NOT do when they play? (Besides reading.)
Example: Kids don't watch movies anymore. Which means they don't understand basic pop culture references. Even Disney references are out these days. It makes connecting with students more difficult than it should be.
I loved reading this! When I was a kid with ADHD, my mom and I had to work on limiting my obsessions (reading and internet RPGs). She took a similar approach as you did. As stressful as it could be, I really appreciated — even as a teen — when she sympathized with me about the social and emotional supports I was getting from my hobbies.
Thanks so much for explaining your approach- my kid is still too young for fortnite but I have no doubt that we'll be there eventually.
I'm not able to access the Dennis-Tiwary New York Times article, but I'm really interested in this idea of "digital aboslutism" having its own downsides. I have always wondered if severely restricting kids' screen time would reduce their tolerance and self-regulation around screens, making it harder for them to function later in life when screens would be a necessary part of their school or working life. Has anyone studied this? While I am very mindful of my 5 year old's screen time, I have also deliberately introduced screens, not just because I need a break (though I do of course) but also to make sure he knows how to use them, builds some degree of tolerance, and becomes aware of how they affect how he feels. I have rarely/never seen expert advice saying that it might be short sighted to prohibit screens, but I'd be interested to hear more about this.
Most children are going to struggle with the addictive elements of online gaming like open-world novelty, loot boxes, treasure chests, infinitely customizable avatars and games that specifically target "grinding" and extended online play. Roblox checks all of these boxes, and is even more problematic than Fortnite because it is aimed at much younger children.
-Online gaming experiences should not be a child's first lessons in self-regulation, decision making, delaying gratification, social learning, etc. Some foundation in these skills should be a pre-requisite (the more the better).
-A balanced parent/child relationship, where trust, honesty and personal responsibility have been cultivated, will make it more likely that solutions for inevitable online gaming problems are collaborative rather than adversarial.
-There is no downside to delaying access to any of this if parents use that time to help the child develop skills and attributes, which will enable them to better meet the challenges, which we know are coming.
A super helpful look at the challenges of parenting in the age of gaming. Thank you!
My 4th grader and I recently started playing World of Warcraft together in the evenings as a way to both spend time together doing something fun and also give my child a regular opportunity to face frustration and failure outside of school.
They have really, really big emotions around making mistakes and failing, and in addition to the other ways we’re trying to help them learn skills to deal with that, the occasional in-game failure that has no actual consequences (the game mechanic of death is your character shows up as a ghost in a graveyard and you simply run back to where you were and “revive”, either to decide the fight is too hard or to try again) gives them an opportunity to practice dealing with those feelings.
I picked WoW because my husband and I played it before having kids, so I’m very familiar with how to play, and my kid loves fantasy and magical creatures so I knew they’d be interested.
I knew the issue would be that as an open world game, there’s always more to do! And since either my husband or I play with them, it’s easy to decide to just play a little longer… until we glance at the clock or whoever isn’t playing points out it’s way past time to stop. 🤦♀️ So we’ve started setting timers and discussing limits and how much time we can play before the game gets turned on.
These games can definitely make time disappear, and be very addictive. But I’m actually glad we’re working on how to navigate that now, at almost 10, together, vs. when they’re older and their ADHD hyperfocus causes them to become obsessed with a game or other interest as a teen or adult, with real consequences for their grades in school or their ability to keep a job. I have quite a few friends with ADHD who have struggled with that, and I want my kid to be aware that it’s something about their brain that they can control, and learn to interrupt, with practice.
This has so closely mirrored our experience with our 6th grade son. We seem to have recently gotten over a hump and my favorite change has been seeing my son and his Fortnite buddies riding bikes to the park in our neighborhood to play soccer. As they’ve gotten older they are seeking new ways to fill that social need and I’m endlessly grateful that they want to do it the old fashioned way - in person!!!
The "gotta grind" idea is so interesting, esp. when you think about all the ways that's become really common messaging in our culture. Want to achieve something, anything? Gottta grind! And "grind" inevitably equals late nights & hyperfocus & going ALL IN. It's interesting to me that "we" (American culture, broadly speaking) glorify that in sports, in work, in academics...and not in gaming. Some of that is true concern; some of it, I think, is bias and prejudice against video games vs. sports and work, which historically have more value here in the U.S. A nice opportunity, anyway, to talk about the pros & cons of "grinding," of super-focusing vs. making time for rest and sleep and all the other stuff.
My kids were at the forefront of Fortnite, when it first came out, & I wrote this in 2018 - https://buildingboys.net/fortnite-is-not-a-waste-of-time/. I share that b/c I think it's important for us adults to recognize the upsides of some of these things that we (understandably!) see as only making our lives harder.
And, that was in 2018. It's 2024 now. Games are getting ever better at keeping our attention.
As a middle school teacher, I can't stand that game. What do they NOT do when they play? (Besides reading.)
Example: Kids don't watch movies anymore. Which means they don't understand basic pop culture references. Even Disney references are out these days. It makes connecting with students more difficult than it should be.
I loved reading this! When I was a kid with ADHD, my mom and I had to work on limiting my obsessions (reading and internet RPGs). She took a similar approach as you did. As stressful as it could be, I really appreciated — even as a teen — when she sympathized with me about the social and emotional supports I was getting from my hobbies.
Thanks so much for explaining your approach- my kid is still too young for fortnite but I have no doubt that we'll be there eventually.
I'm not able to access the Dennis-Tiwary New York Times article, but I'm really interested in this idea of "digital aboslutism" having its own downsides. I have always wondered if severely restricting kids' screen time would reduce their tolerance and self-regulation around screens, making it harder for them to function later in life when screens would be a necessary part of their school or working life. Has anyone studied this? While I am very mindful of my 5 year old's screen time, I have also deliberately introduced screens, not just because I need a break (though I do of course) but also to make sure he knows how to use them, builds some degree of tolerance, and becomes aware of how they affect how he feels. I have rarely/never seen expert advice saying that it might be short sighted to prohibit screens, but I'd be interested to hear more about this.
As usual, I got so much out of this post. I love the advice to conduct your own experiment as a collaborative project with your kid!
Emily--you must be in my house too! Love your thoughtful analysis.