How to Influence Instead of Control
The Autonomy-Supportive Diaries
I’m sharing a revised version of this essay from last spring because it feels timely as we are finally collectively discussing parent stress after the Surgeon General’s Advisory.1 If there’s any reason to take chronic, overwhelming parental stress seriously, it’s because of all the ways our stress affects our children—including making us more controlling. Everyone is talking about the problem, but less about the solution. In this piece, I address how easy it is to be controlling with our kids—especially when we are stressed—and how to use autonomy-supportive tools to shift into influence instead of control.
When humans feel high stress and out of control, we tend to exert more control where we can. For parents, it makes sense that our children become frequent objects of our controlling impulses. It’s not that big of a deal to direct our constant mess-makers to pick up their filthy socks in an attempt to add order to the living room floor, but if our children feel controlled most of the time, problems follow.
The research has clearly established that children who experience their parents as more controlling are more likely to suffer mental health problems, not do as well in school, have weaker social relationships, and on and on.2
If we have had controlling bosses or friends or partners—or even our own parents, we know how frustrating and unhealthy it feels to bend ourselves to someone else’s agenda at the expense of our own sense of agency, and sense of self.
“You Can’t Make Me”
Even if we grasp that it’s not great for our kids when we’re controlling, the reality of daily parenting is that we constantly face a control dilemma. The fact is our offspring will need to do things they are not motivated to do. That’s just life. When my son declares, “you can’t make me,” the inner child in me wants to retort, “Yes I can!” But he’s right. I can’t “make” him short of physically wrestling him (not recommended), and I don’t want him to feel forced anyways.
By definition, parenting includes having expectations and standards for our children, setting limits, and directing our children to do things they don’t want to do—like pick up stinky socks littering the house. (Please tell me that’s not just my kids.) So, how do we accept our responsibility to actively raise our children while not controlling them?
As I wrestled with my own control issues instead of my son last summer, I listened to a Psychologists Off the Clock episode about the power of influence instead of manipulation or control. I realized that autonomy-supportive parenting accomplishes just this: it empowers us with a mindset and strategies to influence instead of control.
Becoming an Influencer
By taking our child’s perspective, asking open-ended questions that help them feel understood, using flexible instead of demanding language, and involving them in thinking together about a problem and a solution, we are influencing instead of controlling.
Let’s practice influence over control with examples of micro-moments throughout the day that may raise your own internal controlling temperature: when you want to make your child just listen, eat a vegetable, or pick up a wet towel for the fiftieth time. First, take a pause to acknowledge, “I’m feeling controlling.” Then ask, “how can I influence instead of control my child in this moment?”
Some possibilities to get you through the day:
Be playful. Consider converting that controlling energy into fun to see if it shifts the mood and lowers your own internal controlling temperature: “Oh no! There must be worms in your ears since I’m talking to you and you can’t hear me!”
Take off the pressure. In the battle of the veggies, what if you see this one meal as an ongoing education about balanced food intake rather than pressuring each dinner to be “perfect?” (Whatever that is!) “It looks like you’re not interested in your broccoli tonight. We know that it’s good for our bodies to get used to all kinds of foods, so let’s think of one vegetable you’ll consider for dinner tomorrow.”
Let it go. You can influence through modeling instead of what they hear as nagging anyways. As a perfectionist and rigid rule-follower, I realized the liberation of not making sure the child picks up the towel every single time I find it wet on the bathroom floor. It’s exhausting. Pick up that post-bath wet towel from bathroom floor and hang it for your own sense of order. Throw in some gratitude they are at least engaging in personal hygiene.
Of course, the controlling impulse is stronger and possibly more damaging when it comes to behaviors with higher stakes than a mildewy bath towel. It takes more effort to resist when we feel the drive to make sure our children are earning higher grades, performing better in sports or music, or hanging out with the “right” kind of kids.
My book covers each of these scenarios within chapters on academic achievement, sports and activity involvement, and social lives. The focus across all of these chapters is how to use influence within an autonomy-supportive framework to nurture our child’s internal motivation and development of their personal values.
But if you can practice releasing control in your daily parenting life by using some humor, taking the pressure off of each parenting moment, and letting some things go, that will surely be good for your stress levels and for your child. It’s at least a start.
In the Media
I talked in more depth about how to influence instead of control our children in a recent interview on the This Is So Awkward podcast with Cara Natterson and Vanessa Kroll Bennett. If you haven’t followed them or read their book of the same name about puberty, you must! They are hilarious, brilliant, kind, and passionate about supporting parents and kids. You can hear more about their book from my interview with them on Psychologists Off the Clock! (One of my favorites to date.)
I was honored to guest on fellow Substack writer and psychologist, ’s podcast, to talk about autonomy-supportive parenting with neurodivergent youth. She is a treasure trove of wisdom and I had a blast talking with her about how we can stress less and still meet our children’s needs!
I also went international and was interviewed on the Aaron Rand show for Montreal Now about the problems with gentle parenting. I will say radio interviews are my least favorite media so if you listen, you will hear me at my most unpolished, but I’m always happy to get the word out about autonomy-supportive parenting as a kinder (for the parent) alternative to gentle parenting.
Parent Smarter, Not Harder Group
I ran my first session of my Parent Smarter, Not Harder Group on Monday and I’m still in awe. In one hour, we accomplished what I had aspired to do with this group: establish an open and trusting dialogue about deeply entrenched beliefs and personal challenges of parenting. The loud inner critic. The feeling of always being behind. The worry that we’re not adequately preparing our kids for the future because we’re barely getting through each day. It was powerful. And it’s the first step toward making real change for the better.
If you are interested in possibly enrolling for a future group, you can sign up for the Parent Smarter, Not Harder newsletter to get up-to-date info about upcoming groups. (This is a very occasional newsletter — it will not clog up your inbox!)
In parenting solidarity,
Emily
ICYMI, I teamed up with two friends and colleagues to write this piece about the advisory: Is Parent Stress Breaking News?
Soenens, B., & Vansteenkiste, M. (2010). A theoretical upgrade of the concept of parental psychological control: Proposing new insights on the basis of self-determination theory. Developmental Review, 30(1), 74-99. [Just one reference of many! But this is not a research paper, it’s a Substack essay.]