I appreciate the reframe that intensive parenting is in response to the reality we are facing, not that we are just choosing a harmful parenting style. The world in which I chose to keep my kids in 5 point restraints until 6 and the 1986 world where 6 year old me sat on the console between the driver and passenger seats seem barely in the same universe. Of course, buying seven car seats/boosters over the course of my children's lives is more financially expensive, but there are new legal requirements. Yes, I've devoted more energy to understanding how to appropriately size and install car seats than previous generations, and it's a life-saving technology for the most dangerous daily activity we engage in.
We run into this over and over again. If I know that my pale, red-headed child who lives in Arizona has a higher melanoma risk, then, yes, I choose to buy more sun protective swimsuits, more sunscreen, more quality sunglasses, more hats than I ever wore as a pale, red-headed child in Georgia. What is the alternative? Not having information? Not acting on this information?
I completely get what you're saying. We do know more and should do better; and there are ways that knowing more makes us feel more paralyzed! But there are definitely benefits to keeping our children more protected, like the spongy playground floors now. Thank you for sharing!
That's a great point, because I don't have to bring my own spongy playground mat with me. If we worked for a reality that didn't require parents, individually, to act on the information about healthy and safe communities, what would that look like?
Thanks for capturing this, which I see every weekend at soccer and volleyball games. It is so hard not to be sucked into this culture and catch yourself being someone you don’t want to be
Honestly? Reading this post made me glad all over again that we live in/I raised my kids in a rural area w limited opportunities. And a small high school that has plenty of opportunities for kids to play/do what they want. Like, there was no way any decision I made (or didn't make) when they were 10 or 12 would affect their ability to play soccer in high school b/c the team is just happy to get enough players. (Same for drama, show choir, etc)
Oh boy, I love everything about this newsletter post (and newsletter, in general!). Yes, intensive parenting, our kids, and ourselves all contain multitudes. I'm currently obsessed with a book titled "Doppelganger" that is a really fascinating way to think about our multitudes. Emily, I want you to read it and discuss it with me;)
Well said, Emily. It would be SO nice if there were kid specific instructions accompanying every child. But until then, you are spot on here. Let them lead and keep checking in. At some point we ALL have to pivot. Of course, as parents we want our kids to choose when the sport has run its course, but we don't always get that opportunity. And as they age and work their way up the pyramid, they start to understand how competitive it is to get to the top. Enjoy the ride. We want them to grow, learn and develop agency and all along the way. And it would be nice if we didn't lose our sanity or our retirement while doing so!
Such a wonderful and wise post, Emily, thank you! It’s generous of you to share your personal experience - it makes these complexities alive and relevant. I’m going to keep this post in my back pocket for myself when I am stuck into these kinds of parenting moments, your 3 questions – Is this my child’s motivation or mine? Is it a good fit? What’s it all for?
Thank you for distilling the piece down to these three questions -- that is really the heart of the take-home message, which I am practicing on an ongoing basis :)
I'm currently engaged in the most intensive form of parenting there is - homeschooling
Child-centered? You bet, we follow the child, not a curriculum
Expert-guided? Meh
Emotionally absorbing? Yes ma'am
Labor intensive? It's practically a full time job.
Financially expensive? It's costing us my while earning potential!
I never wanted to label what I was doing as intensive parenting, because there is that negative stigma. But this article has helped me see that intensive parenting doesn't mean bad parenting... The reason behind the "intensity" is more important.
We're not homeschooling to get ahead, it's to enjoy childhood. It may require a lot of me, but it's allowing for a less intense childhood experience for my kids
I feel every sentence of this. My 13 year old is OBSESSED with competitive cheer and it's so hard to not get sucked into all the craziness. My daughter wants all the travel/private lessons/etc.
I love that she loves it and hate that is requires intensive parenting and I love her team and hate the all-to-true cheerleader troupes. Sigh.
Soccer is one of those sports where you can specialize in your position a little bit. Unlike basketball, where everyone needs to play offense and defense (which means a good defensive player needs to produce enough points or they need to be so good at defense that is makes up for taking the spot of someone who could produce points). Good defenders are often needed and undervalued at this stage of youth soccer (especially boys), but they become the backbone of the team at higher levels.
As you can probably tell, I'm a former soccer player, and I played through high school. One of the things I think you're missing here is the ways in which intensive parenting focuses on the idealized, capitalistic outlier outcomes (achievement, excellence, scholarships), which is at odds with developing the more functional, realistic outcome - a lifelong love of movement/exercise.
I think too much of the debate about youth sports is about achievement and access to opportunities, but is that really the point of athletics? Almost no youth soccer players will get a college scholarship, so what happens to them once they graduate high school? Most of them are so burned out that they never play soccer again. And, many are so burned out from the years of intensive training and traveling that they don't even like exercise. It takes a lot of former serious youth athletes years and even decades to recover from that burnout.
Sure, a college scholarship might be an option to maybe get access to cheaper education (but you know that many college athletes - especially boys - are funneled into "easy" majors to facilitate their sports, so is this having the result parent intend?), but what's more important for longevity and happiness and sociality and wellness is a healthy relationship to physical exercise.
When we teach kids that all that matters is achievement and excellence, we aren't teaching them the most applicable lifelong skills that youth athletics should teach most kids.
The real question is, how can we bring back dabbling? 😂 I feel this real hard as the child of a proverbial tiger mom. She found out that my city’s youngest holder of a certain professional piano performance certificate was 14… so she pushed me to achieve it by 12 (I failed. I got it at 16). Piano has got to be my biggest nightmare throughout my childhood. I love it NOW and ended up in the same job as people who actually had a childhood. My mom used of love pointing to my cousins who dabbled (also due to their parents) and allowed to quit, as an example of why she’s a better mother than my aunt and uncle. But honestly, I think they won.
In college I played violin and flute, and my college hired an accompanist during my juries. It occurred to me that she’s a profession pianist. She probably had whatever was the equivalent of my certificate, probably better. She probably made next to nothing, and played things she hated for most of her day (I mean, I can sight read the piano accompaniment. They’re really not fun to play). And my mom would have a rage aneurysm if I actually committed to piano had lived her life. So what was it all for?
One of my biggest regrets of high school was not quitting sports. I was average. It was a waste of my precious time and energy. But, I was the oldest and my mom had a real "no quitting" attitude with me (which she course-corrected with my sister). And, I was a standout student in a shitty rural high school with limited extracurriculars, so I was pressured to "stick with it" so I could have perseverance on my college applications. What a crock.
On the other hand, I was a very mediocre but enthusiastic musician, which is great for a wind ensemble (band!). I was given an instrument that isn't very hard but is necessary in the whole ensemble (the tuba), where I excelled in my soft skills, leading the section and playing my part. Tonight, I have a community band concert, which is the most delightful and wholesome experience I've had as an adult in my 30s.
I was also an A student, but doing these things that I was "bad" at was very formative for me. I'm willing to do things now - at 40 - that I'm not very good at because they give me personal pleasure. I'm willing to endure my own mediocrity in order to benefit from being a part of the whole. I find some adults my age struggle with this a bit, but I see it even more with young people. My community band - made up of alums from the local HS band and neighbors - is 10x the size of the high school band because, unless the band is competition-level, fewer and fewer students participate. I suspect this is because: 1) there's no high-paid "career" associated with music and everything has become credentialized; and 2) there's less more pressure to excel at everything you choose to do.
I think this is making people miserable. So, I am in favor of dabbling because it encourages exploration and participation for the sake of self-discover and the pleasure of learning.
I appreciate the reframe that intensive parenting is in response to the reality we are facing, not that we are just choosing a harmful parenting style. The world in which I chose to keep my kids in 5 point restraints until 6 and the 1986 world where 6 year old me sat on the console between the driver and passenger seats seem barely in the same universe. Of course, buying seven car seats/boosters over the course of my children's lives is more financially expensive, but there are new legal requirements. Yes, I've devoted more energy to understanding how to appropriately size and install car seats than previous generations, and it's a life-saving technology for the most dangerous daily activity we engage in.
We run into this over and over again. If I know that my pale, red-headed child who lives in Arizona has a higher melanoma risk, then, yes, I choose to buy more sun protective swimsuits, more sunscreen, more quality sunglasses, more hats than I ever wore as a pale, red-headed child in Georgia. What is the alternative? Not having information? Not acting on this information?
I completely get what you're saying. We do know more and should do better; and there are ways that knowing more makes us feel more paralyzed! But there are definitely benefits to keeping our children more protected, like the spongy playground floors now. Thank you for sharing!
That's a great point, because I don't have to bring my own spongy playground mat with me. If we worked for a reality that didn't require parents, individually, to act on the information about healthy and safe communities, what would that look like?
I feel this so deeply and appreciate all 2000 words of this.
I'm so glad Molly. It's so nice to know others feel the same way! And can get through 2000 words about it :)
Thanks for capturing this, which I see every weekend at soccer and volleyball games. It is so hard not to be sucked into this culture and catch yourself being someone you don’t want to be
It's so hard! My heart rate is always up when I sit on the sidelines; I do my best not to show it :)
Honestly? Reading this post made me glad all over again that we live in/I raised my kids in a rural area w limited opportunities. And a small high school that has plenty of opportunities for kids to play/do what they want. Like, there was no way any decision I made (or didn't make) when they were 10 or 12 would affect their ability to play soccer in high school b/c the team is just happy to get enough players. (Same for drama, show choir, etc)
Jen I'm so envious of your experience! I too wish this were more the norm these days.
Oh boy, I love everything about this newsletter post (and newsletter, in general!). Yes, intensive parenting, our kids, and ourselves all contain multitudes. I'm currently obsessed with a book titled "Doppelganger" that is a really fascinating way to think about our multitudes. Emily, I want you to read it and discuss it with me;)
I listened to that If Books Could Kill episode and I would be interested in reading it -- I'm putting it on my list!
Yay, I can’t wait to discuss it with you!
Well said, Emily. It would be SO nice if there were kid specific instructions accompanying every child. But until then, you are spot on here. Let them lead and keep checking in. At some point we ALL have to pivot. Of course, as parents we want our kids to choose when the sport has run its course, but we don't always get that opportunity. And as they age and work their way up the pyramid, they start to understand how competitive it is to get to the top. Enjoy the ride. We want them to grow, learn and develop agency and all along the way. And it would be nice if we didn't lose our sanity or our retirement while doing so!
Thank you for being such an invaluable resource and wise voice in this area of youth sports and parenting!
So insightful and honest and helpful -- thank you Emily.
Thank you so much Sarah!
Such a wonderful and wise post, Emily, thank you! It’s generous of you to share your personal experience - it makes these complexities alive and relevant. I’m going to keep this post in my back pocket for myself when I am stuck into these kinds of parenting moments, your 3 questions – Is this my child’s motivation or mine? Is it a good fit? What’s it all for?
Thank you for distilling the piece down to these three questions -- that is really the heart of the take-home message, which I am practicing on an ongoing basis :)
I'm currently engaged in the most intensive form of parenting there is - homeschooling
Child-centered? You bet, we follow the child, not a curriculum
Expert-guided? Meh
Emotionally absorbing? Yes ma'am
Labor intensive? It's practically a full time job.
Financially expensive? It's costing us my while earning potential!
I never wanted to label what I was doing as intensive parenting, because there is that negative stigma. But this article has helped me see that intensive parenting doesn't mean bad parenting... The reason behind the "intensity" is more important.
We're not homeschooling to get ahead, it's to enjoy childhood. It may require a lot of me, but it's allowing for a less intense childhood experience for my kids
I feel every sentence of this. My 13 year old is OBSESSED with competitive cheer and it's so hard to not get sucked into all the craziness. My daughter wants all the travel/private lessons/etc.
I love that she loves it and hate that is requires intensive parenting and I love her team and hate the all-to-true cheerleader troupes. Sigh.
Soccer is one of those sports where you can specialize in your position a little bit. Unlike basketball, where everyone needs to play offense and defense (which means a good defensive player needs to produce enough points or they need to be so good at defense that is makes up for taking the spot of someone who could produce points). Good defenders are often needed and undervalued at this stage of youth soccer (especially boys), but they become the backbone of the team at higher levels.
As you can probably tell, I'm a former soccer player, and I played through high school. One of the things I think you're missing here is the ways in which intensive parenting focuses on the idealized, capitalistic outlier outcomes (achievement, excellence, scholarships), which is at odds with developing the more functional, realistic outcome - a lifelong love of movement/exercise.
I think too much of the debate about youth sports is about achievement and access to opportunities, but is that really the point of athletics? Almost no youth soccer players will get a college scholarship, so what happens to them once they graduate high school? Most of them are so burned out that they never play soccer again. And, many are so burned out from the years of intensive training and traveling that they don't even like exercise. It takes a lot of former serious youth athletes years and even decades to recover from that burnout.
Sure, a college scholarship might be an option to maybe get access to cheaper education (but you know that many college athletes - especially boys - are funneled into "easy" majors to facilitate their sports, so is this having the result parent intend?), but what's more important for longevity and happiness and sociality and wellness is a healthy relationship to physical exercise.
When we teach kids that all that matters is achievement and excellence, we aren't teaching them the most applicable lifelong skills that youth athletics should teach most kids.
The real question is, how can we bring back dabbling? 😂 I feel this real hard as the child of a proverbial tiger mom. She found out that my city’s youngest holder of a certain professional piano performance certificate was 14… so she pushed me to achieve it by 12 (I failed. I got it at 16). Piano has got to be my biggest nightmare throughout my childhood. I love it NOW and ended up in the same job as people who actually had a childhood. My mom used of love pointing to my cousins who dabbled (also due to their parents) and allowed to quit, as an example of why she’s a better mother than my aunt and uncle. But honestly, I think they won.
In college I played violin and flute, and my college hired an accompanist during my juries. It occurred to me that she’s a profession pianist. She probably had whatever was the equivalent of my certificate, probably better. She probably made next to nothing, and played things she hated for most of her day (I mean, I can sight read the piano accompaniment. They’re really not fun to play). And my mom would have a rage aneurysm if I actually committed to piano had lived her life. So what was it all for?
One of my biggest regrets of high school was not quitting sports. I was average. It was a waste of my precious time and energy. But, I was the oldest and my mom had a real "no quitting" attitude with me (which she course-corrected with my sister). And, I was a standout student in a shitty rural high school with limited extracurriculars, so I was pressured to "stick with it" so I could have perseverance on my college applications. What a crock.
On the other hand, I was a very mediocre but enthusiastic musician, which is great for a wind ensemble (band!). I was given an instrument that isn't very hard but is necessary in the whole ensemble (the tuba), where I excelled in my soft skills, leading the section and playing my part. Tonight, I have a community band concert, which is the most delightful and wholesome experience I've had as an adult in my 30s.
I was also an A student, but doing these things that I was "bad" at was very formative for me. I'm willing to do things now - at 40 - that I'm not very good at because they give me personal pleasure. I'm willing to endure my own mediocrity in order to benefit from being a part of the whole. I find some adults my age struggle with this a bit, but I see it even more with young people. My community band - made up of alums from the local HS band and neighbors - is 10x the size of the high school band because, unless the band is competition-level, fewer and fewer students participate. I suspect this is because: 1) there's no high-paid "career" associated with music and everything has become credentialized; and 2) there's less more pressure to excel at everything you choose to do.
I think this is making people miserable. So, I am in favor of dabbling because it encourages exploration and participation for the sake of self-discover and the pleasure of learning.