New School Year, New Skills: Self-Sufficiency Starter Kit

Autonomy-Supportive Diaries

This is an updated version of this post from exactly a year ago! Fortunately, helping our kids develop more independence is a timeless parenting challenge — I mean, opportunity.

September heralds our kids leveling up in school—which means they can also level up in life. If we let them! (And if you are reading this, I believe you will.)

It’s the perfect time to find new ways for your child to increase their independence. Take stock of where each child is with their skills as they start the next grade or next year in preschool)and consider what you may be doing for them that you don’t need to anymore.

Ask yourself, “Is my child capable of this task that I have always done for them?”

And it’s not just filling up water bottles and making lunches, we also need to examine social and emotional skills. As our children age, they are more capable of handling social stress and their own emotions with less hand-holding from us. For example, if your child comes to you with a friendship dilemma, you can use four magic words before giving any direction: “What do you think?”

I know all of you smart people get all of these ideas and why they are important. But let’s admit what can get in the way of our best intentions and aspirations: stress. And the first couple months of school as we switch from summer chaos to school routine can be high stress—for all ages.  

Stress kicks us into automatic mode for getting through the day with the least resistance, but this can also mean we miss opportunities to nudge our kids forward with their independence because it feels easier to do everything ourselves. At the end of our action-packed days, this results in us doing more work than we need to, while the children lounge with video games and Netflix (or is that just my kids?). But it doesn’t have to be like this.

Let’s take this new school year with a new resolve to find opportunities for our children to do more for themselves—for their growth and for our stress!

Self-Sufficiency Starter Kit

CHORES:

Chores are a critical part of kids developing life skills (e.g., the first time they face a washing machine isn’t in college) and of experiencing how they add value to the home and family.

In my house, we re-evaluate chores at the beginning of each school year. Each child chooses a set of chores they commit to for the next year (the older the child, the greater number or level of difficulty). They can choose to keep or dispense of chores from the previous year, but we have a master list of all the household chores for their selection. My kids also choose which day they do each chore, keeping in mind their activities schedules.

I know most children will not embrace taking out the trash and sweeping the kitchen floor, but the more it becomes part of the family culture, less resistance will follow. In another autonomy-supportive move, we frame these chores in the context of values. As our children grow, they value their freedom more. I present chores in the context that with freedom, comes responsibility.¹
 
SCHOOL PREP:

Think about all the steps for being ready for school in the morning and make three lists: which tasks each child can do independently, which tasks they can do with you, and which tasks you really, really need to do for them (for now).

In my family, we have a policy that our kids make their own school lunches. My youngest has resisted the most with complaints that he “can’t” spread the jelly or reach objects in the refrigerator. With him, we make his lunch with him, but keep leveling up our expectations of his contribution—like how will he ever figure out how to spread the jelly if he doesn’t just do it?

If you find yourself running around the house at the last-minute doing things for them they can do themselves, talk to them later about how to better manage their morning time. (Can you tell I’m the CMO in my house – Chief Morning Officer.) Speaking from experience, the morning routine may never reach peak kids-do-it-themselves level, but it’s worth at least aiming closer.
 
HOMEWORK: If you have a child in a school with a teacher who requires homework (many don’t these days), think about how much you participate and how much you need to participate.

The more trust you show in your child’s ability to work independently, the more they trust themselves.

They might need help at different stages in the homework routine, like sitting down to start or persisting when it’s frustrating, but homework doesn’t have to be the power struggle it commonly is. What if they get all the spelling words or math problems wrong? Well, it's okay not to correct it all because the teacher needs to know they aren't mastering the material. If your child seeks your help during homework, feel free to give it (without solving the problems for them) but refrain from controlling the process. Let them take the lead.²

PORTAL GRADES:

For older kids, many tweens and teens now have this newfangled portal system where parents can look at every assignment. I call it the siren song for controlling parenting. I go into much more depth in my book about how to balance appropriate structure and encouraging independence with your teen’s academics because I see the pull to micro-manage causing problems in many families.

The important part is to focus on your child building their own internal motivation in school: what is important to them about grades and assignments and what fuels their own sense of pride and accomplishment?

This is the perfect opportunity to again recommend Jennifer Wallace’s essential book: Never Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic—And What We Can Do About It. The more we can back off on the pressure for our kids to perform academically, the more likely they actually will have stronger performance. Each tween and teen needs a different level of structure and monitoring around school, but aim to be as collaborative as possible with your young student while keeping an eye on where there internal motivation lies.

Tips for Success: The 3 P’s

I can hear many of you saying in your heads right now, “this won’t work with my kid” or “but what about …?” Yes, there is always nuance and many factors to consider for increasing a child’s self-sufficiency. In fact, I dedicate an entire chapter in my book to ADHD and Autism because less developed executive functioning skills have to be a key consideration in how to effectively target self-sufficiency. I also devote a chapter to parenting a child going through depression or anxiety, which also requires thoughtful tweaking. So, since I don’t know you or your child personally, take these following tips home with you:  

1. Prioritize: Don’t expect all the new self-sufficiency all at once — your children will likely revolt in total overwhelm. Pick an area that would have the most impact to be worth the effort and explain the reasoning for expecting more of your child: “You’re getting older and are ready to do more.”

2. Pace: Over a few weeks, add areas of self-sufficiency brick by brick. Look for areas of success to celebrate new skills and build confidence for the next step forward.

3. Persist: This will not be smooth for some (many) kids. It’s a pretty great setup to have one or two adults doing everything for you. They will likely complain. Cooperation will be inconsistent. Persist and I promise it will pay off, even if it’s not until the beginning of the next school year when you realize how far they have come!

From Unsplash

ICYMI

Last week, I revealed the behind-the-scenes revamp I’ve been working on for months! I’m most excited about my launch of a small group program designed to make meaningful change in your parenting life while building a supportive community. This is not like anything else I’ve seen out there — it’s not a live webinar, or a pre-recorded course. I will be working virtually with a small group using a curriculum I created that fosters real change.

You can find more info on my (new and beautiful) website or click below to get updates about enrollment! There are limited spots and enrollment opens soon so act now if you’re interested! Also come see me on Instagram where I’m sharing even more info about the course.

In the Media

As I see the influence of the anxious generation messaging pervading my social media and real-life communities, I feel more compelled to speak out against this narrative. It may sound believable that smartphones and social media must be causing mental health problems in teens, but the claim simply doesn’t have the data to back it up. And if you really pay attention to teens, they are living much richer, fuller lives than the one-dimensional story being told that they are glued to their phones and suffering unprecedented levels of depression and anxiety.

Here are two podcast episodes that help counter this messaging:

• My interview with child development scientist,

  Ellen Galinsky
  , on the Psychologists Off the Clock podcast about her research and new book, The Breakthrough Years, covering all the good news about adolescents!

• The If Books Could Kill episode deconstructing the claims in Jonathan Haidt’s book, The Anxious Generation. Combing through tons of articles and talking to researchers and teens, the hosts come to the same conclusion of many researchers: the data just aren’t there to support the book’s thesis.

Okay y’all — this time of year can be rough. It’s okay — you’re not alone! I have more autonomy-supportive posts coming all about school. Hang in there!

In parenting solidarity,

Emily

1. I have a whole section on chores in my book if you are interested in more guidance!

2. Plug #2: I go into much more detail in my book about homework and establishing a homework routine minus the power struggles and conflict.