The Motherhood Paradox: Idealized and Invisible
Happy Mother's Day?
I’m re-sharing one of my most popular newsletters from last year because one year has not been a sufficient amount of time to render this take on Mother’s Day irrelevant. This essay also serves as a complementary piece to my most recent newsletter, Mansplaining Motherhood: How Parenting Advice Upholds the Patriarchy. Clearly, I spend a lot of time and energy contemplating the harm of motherhood ideals! Please share this with anyone who needs it before “celebrating” this Sunday.
My son stood at the top of the stairs at 9:20 pm, incredulous that we could be close to running out of milk. I don’t remember his exact words but they were along the lines of, “How could you not have enough milk, MOM?” I emphasize that last part because I am apparently singularly responsible for this egregious error of not having a second gallon of milk.
Earlier that same day, that same child scolded me for something else I forgot from the grocery store. I teetered on blowing up, feeling my heart race and chest tighten, I said to him, “Sometimes I forget things. Do you know how many things I have to remember?” He doesn’t. It seems nobody does.
In these moments, that SNL skit with Kristen Wiig pops into my head. On Christmas morning, everyone else in the family (including the dog) opens heaps of presents while Mom has one gift. A robe. While kids and husband keep opening expensive and thoughtful presents, Mom makes breakfast, burning her arm. She notices the sale tag on her robe. She smiles with sad eyes. It’s funny because it’s true.
It’s also not funny because of how true it is.
My reality doesn’t directly match the skit. I have a partner who selects several thoughtful gifts for me every holiday and who leads the way in the kitchen as a superior cook. I’m not literally standing in the middle of a room full of presents with only a sale robe for me. But there’s an essence to Kristen Wiig’s personification of the Mom-robe experience that rings very familiar.
Against Martyrdom
I’ll never forget one December when I yelled into the void over a baking sheet of cookies. We have a family tradition of baking and compiling platters of treats for friends and neighbors for the holidays. Correction: it’s my tradition that I impose because it’s important to me. This one year, we planned our afternoon of icing the sugar cookies (a sticky and tedious task I hate) and before I knew it each kid had scattered away to do something else. I was alone with trays of naked cookies and bowls of different colors of icing and I lost it.
Whenever I get this feeling of being a martyr (“I do everything around here and nobody notices or cares”) it’s my signal that things have gone askew. Meaning I am making choices and having silent expectations that set me up for feeling taken for granted. Most of the time, I’m not a martyr. I consciously choose and explicitly prioritize my needs (“bye everyone I’m going in my room to meditate”) and I express what I expect from my family (“kids your father better not be the only one in the kitchen making food on Mother’s Day”).
I consciously work against martyrdom. But here’s the thing that works against me: being a woman and mother in our society.1 We are expected at every level to sublimate our needs. Every level. From getting out of the way of a man striding down the center of the sidewalk (there are studies on this) to the deeply entrenched message that smaller bodies are better (for women). From every direction we are told to not take up too much space, to shrink, to stay quiet, to smile with sad eyes.
So on Mother’s Day when it’s supposed to be about us, it’s not because it never can be.
We may even hate the day because it reminds us of how invisible our labor is, how our constant giving is a given rather than a gift seen and appreciated by others. We live in a state of centering others while nobody centers us. Why would it be different on this one day of the year?
Idealized and Invisible
Most mothers I know either roll their eyes about the impending May Sunday, or even dread it.2 Despite the aisles of greeting cards gesturing how important we are, too often, it doesn’t feel that way.
My family – well, mostly my husband – has hosted many lovely Mother’s Days in my fifteen years of celebrating as a mother. My favorite ritual is starting the day drinking coffee and reading in bed while waiting for breakfast. We then choose a family activity such as planting flowers or going to a nature preserve before having a dinner inclusive of my favorite foods. (The day basically revolves around food, which works for me.) I am absolved of any errands or chores for the day and I try to fit in alone time in the afternoon for whatever I want to do. When my kids were younger, the best part of Mother’s Day was any part of the day by myself. Yes, I said it. The best part of Mother’s Day was time without my children.
I’m not writing this to complain about my Mother’s Days specifically because on the whole, my family has created some special moments. (There are also some memorable terrible moments too that I won’t get into here.)
I’m writing this because I have noticed how complicated this so-called holiday feels for so many, including me. A day allegedly about mom brings up how mothers are both mythically idealized and minimally noticed. Impossible expectations paired with invisibility. A strange paradox to grapple with that seems more obvious with each passing year of motherhood.
The Perfect Mother’s Day Gift
“What mom really wants” isn’t on Amazon despite the many listicles telling us so. (You MUST read
Alternative Mother’s Day List!)The perfect Mother’s Day gift is a complete overhaul of our social construction of womanhood and motherhood.
Pass this on to anyone in charge of planning Mother’s Day: Forget the restaurant brunches with cranky children. Forget satisfying other family members’ wishes for what Mother’s Day should be. Don’t forget the mother you are celebrating. Remember her. Remember everything she does for your family that is seldom acknowledged. Acknowledge her.
The perfect Mother’s Day gift is hearing “thank you, Mom” for what we do remember from the grocery store. For all we do and remember and give and are.
What are your thoughts on Mother’s Day? Please share!
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It’s May — the marathon of parenting seasons. I’m cheering you on to the finish line — we can do this!
In parenting solidarity,
Emily
I am aware of how gendered this day is and how it treats personhood and identity in traditionally gendered ways. We can all work on creating a more inclusive way to celebrate mothering! Some resources: How to Make Mother’s Day More Inclusive, wonther; How to Celebrate Mother’s and Father’s Day as a Non-Binary Parent, verywell family
Mother’s Day can be acutely awful for personal reasons beyond these societal ones. I acknowledge the deep pain that can come with this day because of complicated relationships with one’s own mother, grieving a mother, grieving the loss of a child, or grieving through fertility struggles. Sending much love to you if this is you!