This essay from a year ago has become one of my most-read posts, and was published in Psychology Today, where it has also garnered the most views of all of my articles (as one of their “bloggers,” I get to see the stats).
Another brilliant article from Emily Edlynn! "Nuance" is my favorite word!
Living with people is hard! We don't expect adult romantic partners to communicate perfectly, with saintly calm at all times. Why in the world would we shove that expectation on parents/moms? Love means trying again.
I find (in my practice and my life!) that parents yell when they don't feel heard. Focusing on preventing the most frustrating moments, making sure all parties get enough food, relaxation, and sleep, getting kids involved in problem-solving, and learning useful communication strategies (e.g., pick your moment, don't ask more than twice, one direction at a time..) are useful but imperfect ways to cut down on yelling.
Agree, I definitely yell when I don’t feel heard and all those steps/tips you listed helps! My own mental state and amount of sleep are huge factors in how quickly I get to a frustration point
This is the nuanced type of parenting advice that I love to read. We're all trying our darn best, but this parenting gig is hard. Anyone who never loses it is due for sainthood
On my house yelling almost always just means I have settled into an unproductive feedback loop with my kid 😅 It means I have utterly failed at whatever I was trying before. I HAVE tried yelling as a discipline strategy as a desperate last result (again, usually when I’ve failed at everything else I could think of at the moment). All it does is escalate the conflict. My firstborn thrives off drama. She actually kind of loves it. It gives her fuel to make noise at a volume I’d never be capable of. So I’m really shooting myself in the foot by yelling.
This is so good and I plan to share it widely! As a young mom, I intuited much of what you get at here, though it was hard for me to respect my intuition about it. This was before the rise of gentle parenting, but in the midst of Nonviolent Communication parenting, which had similar messages. My relationship with my kids was healthy and we always apologized to each other after we yelled. But it's that "we" that told me what was happening was okay. I could see that my kids were expressing their frustrations openly and were learning how to do this with *me.* I was a safe place for them to learn these skills--expressed both well and not so well--and I'm grateful I was the person they rehearsed on. They also got to witness me not at my best and watch how I recovered. It's so good to be able to learn all that in a loving, non-judgmental relationship!
I've long told younger parents not to worry so much about this sort of yelling and am glad to have this post to share with them. Thank you, Emily!
Thank you so much for this nuance - definitely in the “occasional yelling due to frustration, tiredness, or overstimulation” category. Always working to not yell but I, too, am human!
Thank you for sharing this, Emily! As a mindful self-compassion teacher for both adults and youth, I believe it's critical for kids to see parents modeling being human (including sometimes raising their voice), making amends, and continuing on as loving, imperfect humans! It sets the stage for kids to become loving, imperfect humans who can also acknowledge their imperfections as they keep moving forward and loving themselves and others.
Another brilliant article from Emily Edlynn! "Nuance" is my favorite word!
Living with people is hard! We don't expect adult romantic partners to communicate perfectly, with saintly calm at all times. Why in the world would we shove that expectation on parents/moms? Love means trying again.
I find (in my practice and my life!) that parents yell when they don't feel heard. Focusing on preventing the most frustrating moments, making sure all parties get enough food, relaxation, and sleep, getting kids involved in problem-solving, and learning useful communication strategies (e.g., pick your moment, don't ask more than twice, one direction at a time..) are useful but imperfect ways to cut down on yelling.
Agree, I definitely yell when I don’t feel heard and all those steps/tips you listed helps! My own mental state and amount of sleep are huge factors in how quickly I get to a frustration point
Erm, as an occasional and regretful yeller at my kids I can only support the views expressed in this article :)
This is the nuanced type of parenting advice that I love to read. We're all trying our darn best, but this parenting gig is hard. Anyone who never loses it is due for sainthood
On my house yelling almost always just means I have settled into an unproductive feedback loop with my kid 😅 It means I have utterly failed at whatever I was trying before. I HAVE tried yelling as a discipline strategy as a desperate last result (again, usually when I’ve failed at everything else I could think of at the moment). All it does is escalate the conflict. My firstborn thrives off drama. She actually kind of loves it. It gives her fuel to make noise at a volume I’d never be capable of. So I’m really shooting myself in the foot by yelling.
But at least she’s not scared of me? 😆
This was and continues to be one of my favorite Emily Edlynn pieces!
This is so good and I plan to share it widely! As a young mom, I intuited much of what you get at here, though it was hard for me to respect my intuition about it. This was before the rise of gentle parenting, but in the midst of Nonviolent Communication parenting, which had similar messages. My relationship with my kids was healthy and we always apologized to each other after we yelled. But it's that "we" that told me what was happening was okay. I could see that my kids were expressing their frustrations openly and were learning how to do this with *me.* I was a safe place for them to learn these skills--expressed both well and not so well--and I'm grateful I was the person they rehearsed on. They also got to witness me not at my best and watch how I recovered. It's so good to be able to learn all that in a loving, non-judgmental relationship!
I've long told younger parents not to worry so much about this sort of yelling and am glad to have this post to share with them. Thank you, Emily!
Thank you so much for this nuance - definitely in the “occasional yelling due to frustration, tiredness, or overstimulation” category. Always working to not yell but I, too, am human!
Thank you for sharing this, Emily! As a mindful self-compassion teacher for both adults and youth, I believe it's critical for kids to see parents modeling being human (including sometimes raising their voice), making amends, and continuing on as loving, imperfect humans! It sets the stage for kids to become loving, imperfect humans who can also acknowledge their imperfections as they keep moving forward and loving themselves and others.