This is so good & so needed! I first realized my "yelling" parameters were off when my husband pointed out he hadn't been yelling at me. That's when I realized that, for me, based on my childhood experiences, "yelling" encompasses, tone, shame, being told that what one is doing is bad. Because of how I grew up, I'm still working believing this: "having conflict in a close, loving relationship can be part of a healthy relationship instead of the harbinger of a doomed relationship." (I intellectually know it's true, but it goes against every bit of my internal wiring, everything that "feels" true to me). I'll be sharing.
Thanks so much Jen! I'm so glad this resonated with you and I was hoping my sensitivity to different parenting experiences came across. I appreciate you sharing! That's the highest compliment.
Emily, I'm glad you made the distinction between louder volume vs. harsh and belittling remarks! Nuance is my favorite word.
In my experience (as a clinical psychologist and mom of 4), parents yell when they don't feel heard. When parents yell too often, kids tune them out ("They're always yelling!"), or they learn they don't have to listen until the volume goes up, which further exasperates the parents.
The antidote isn't to insist that parents mush embody zen-like tranquility at all times. That's unrealistic and unfair.
The antidote is probably multi-layered: Make sure the parents aren't exhausted and stressed out. Gather some data about when the yelling happens to figure out a way to prevent the frustrating situation. At a calm moment, get the kid(s) involved in figuring out how to handle the problem. Set up the environment so it's less likely to happen. (Environmental control is easier than self-control!). Help the parents learn ways to communicate more effectively so their kid is more likely to listen. Help parents and kids have compassion for themselves and each other after those inevitable rough spots.
I love this distinction. I have similar experiences to Jennifer! I too am still working on healthy conflict issues. My ex and I share custody because our state pretty much gives all fathers 50%. My ex parents by unhealthy yelling and screaming, name calling, etc. Above and beyond normal parental yelling. So, when I yell, raise my voice to be heard, in a more traditional sense of parental yelling, the kids receive it similar to their father’s yelling and are very sensitive about it. I have tried very hard to not yell, but, there are many mornings, when I have resorted to yelling after 7+ trips to a kid’s room to wake them up. I always apologize, and explain to them why I was yelling at them. I need to use this to explain to them the differences in the types of yelling. In my mind I knew there were differences, but you have articulated those differences very well here.
Wow. Thank you for permitting us to give ourselves grace. We just had a rough morning trying to get out the door to school, and we lived in the snappy pre-yell area for the majority of it. It doesn't feel good, but now at least I can let go of the guilt.
This is so helpful! Your comment about asking your kids to rate you on a yelling scale reminded me that, a couple years ago, my sister asked our mom if she ever yelled at us when we were kids--and my mom was so relieved because my sister genuinely didn't remember any yelling! (My mom was a single mom for much of my childhood, and there was definitely occasional yelling! But what we both remember now was the love.)
Yes! This is why it's okay to let go of the minutiae of parenting and look at the whole -- that's what our children remember and carry with them. And if we are more relaxed about our parenting in general, then our kids have more relaxed parents!
My husband grew up in a household where his dad did yell, so he hardly ever raises his voice at all because he wants to be better than his dad. I am generally pretty calm with our 4 year old daughter, but I have had times where I yelled at the end of the day (usually because of pushback or stalling at bedtime when I am tired(I also work full time as an infant teacher in addition to being the one who does bedtime routine with our daughter every night). I have noticed that because I have made the effort to repair any time I yell, our daughter doesn’t really look worried if I do because she knows I will apologize soon. She looks more nervous if my husband yells because it is so rare that she doesn’t know what to expect. We are always working to make sure we are united in how we want to parent and trying to do the best we can.
I love your examples here. First, it's wise to pay attention to our child's reaction as a gauge of how we are affecting them. Second, remembering that the foundation of love and emotional safety in the parent-child relationship can cushion the occasional yelling of frustration/overwhelm/exhaustion! I have learned that feeling less guilty really does help me rebound faster so I'm hoping that part of the message gets through too!
I loved this so much! I recently let go of a lot of guilt around occasional yelling (although my husband, who comes from a loud family, insists I don’t understand what yelling is 😂) because of my son’s feedback. I apologized that I had been grumpier than usual lately, and he sincerely told me “It’s no big deal when you’re grumpy. Usually, you just need coffee.” My child knows me well...
This is so good & so needed! I first realized my "yelling" parameters were off when my husband pointed out he hadn't been yelling at me. That's when I realized that, for me, based on my childhood experiences, "yelling" encompasses, tone, shame, being told that what one is doing is bad. Because of how I grew up, I'm still working believing this: "having conflict in a close, loving relationship can be part of a healthy relationship instead of the harbinger of a doomed relationship." (I intellectually know it's true, but it goes against every bit of my internal wiring, everything that "feels" true to me). I'll be sharing.
Thanks so much Jen! I'm so glad this resonated with you and I was hoping my sensitivity to different parenting experiences came across. I appreciate you sharing! That's the highest compliment.
Emily, I'm glad you made the distinction between louder volume vs. harsh and belittling remarks! Nuance is my favorite word.
In my experience (as a clinical psychologist and mom of 4), parents yell when they don't feel heard. When parents yell too often, kids tune them out ("They're always yelling!"), or they learn they don't have to listen until the volume goes up, which further exasperates the parents.
The antidote isn't to insist that parents mush embody zen-like tranquility at all times. That's unrealistic and unfair.
The antidote is probably multi-layered: Make sure the parents aren't exhausted and stressed out. Gather some data about when the yelling happens to figure out a way to prevent the frustrating situation. At a calm moment, get the kid(s) involved in figuring out how to handle the problem. Set up the environment so it's less likely to happen. (Environmental control is easier than self-control!). Help the parents learn ways to communicate more effectively so their kid is more likely to listen. Help parents and kids have compassion for themselves and each other after those inevitable rough spots.
Love means trying again.
I love this so much Eileen! Thank you!
Environmental control is easier than self control. So true.
I love this distinction. I have similar experiences to Jennifer! I too am still working on healthy conflict issues. My ex and I share custody because our state pretty much gives all fathers 50%. My ex parents by unhealthy yelling and screaming, name calling, etc. Above and beyond normal parental yelling. So, when I yell, raise my voice to be heard, in a more traditional sense of parental yelling, the kids receive it similar to their father’s yelling and are very sensitive about it. I have tried very hard to not yell, but, there are many mornings, when I have resorted to yelling after 7+ trips to a kid’s room to wake them up. I always apologize, and explain to them why I was yelling at them. I need to use this to explain to them the differences in the types of yelling. In my mind I knew there were differences, but you have articulated those differences very well here.
Thank you for explaining this distinction! There is so much shame around parental yelling and I think this really clears up a lot of misinformation.
Wow. Thank you for permitting us to give ourselves grace. We just had a rough morning trying to get out the door to school, and we lived in the snappy pre-yell area for the majority of it. It doesn't feel good, but now at least I can let go of the guilt.
I know that "snappy pre-yell area" well! I'm so glad this hit your inbox on the right morning. This is exactly why I write so thank you for sharing!
This is so helpful! Your comment about asking your kids to rate you on a yelling scale reminded me that, a couple years ago, my sister asked our mom if she ever yelled at us when we were kids--and my mom was so relieved because my sister genuinely didn't remember any yelling! (My mom was a single mom for much of my childhood, and there was definitely occasional yelling! But what we both remember now was the love.)
Yes! This is why it's okay to let go of the minutiae of parenting and look at the whole -- that's what our children remember and carry with them. And if we are more relaxed about our parenting in general, then our kids have more relaxed parents!
My husband grew up in a household where his dad did yell, so he hardly ever raises his voice at all because he wants to be better than his dad. I am generally pretty calm with our 4 year old daughter, but I have had times where I yelled at the end of the day (usually because of pushback or stalling at bedtime when I am tired(I also work full time as an infant teacher in addition to being the one who does bedtime routine with our daughter every night). I have noticed that because I have made the effort to repair any time I yell, our daughter doesn’t really look worried if I do because she knows I will apologize soon. She looks more nervous if my husband yells because it is so rare that she doesn’t know what to expect. We are always working to make sure we are united in how we want to parent and trying to do the best we can.
I love your examples here. First, it's wise to pay attention to our child's reaction as a gauge of how we are affecting them. Second, remembering that the foundation of love and emotional safety in the parent-child relationship can cushion the occasional yelling of frustration/overwhelm/exhaustion! I have learned that feeling less guilty really does help me rebound faster so I'm hoping that part of the message gets through too!
Thanks for posting this. I bought your new book on my last trip to the US (I live in India) on Melinda's recommendation and it's been really helpful.
I loved this so much! I recently let go of a lot of guilt around occasional yelling (although my husband, who comes from a loud family, insists I don’t understand what yelling is 😂) because of my son’s feedback. I apologized that I had been grumpier than usual lately, and he sincerely told me “It’s no big deal when you’re grumpy. Usually, you just need coffee.” My child knows me well...
Ha! Our kids can be so wise and perceptive. So glad you listened to your son :)