What Is a "Good" Parent?
The Art and Science of Mom
Polls show that a majority of parents now equate being a good parent with intensive parenting practices. A researcher from Cornell studying these data found that the high standards and expectations that come with intensive parenting cross social class and gender lines.
I hear from some parents how they want to eschew intensive parenting practices -- allow their child to walk around the neighborhood without adults, limit activity sign-ups, stay out of social conflicts -- but they feel judged by parents in their communities. In my speaking events I have heard, “but how do we do it differently than everyone else?”
It feels like a tsunami of impossible parenting standards drowning us whether we choose to swim during the storm or not.
In the Substack universe, two recent pieces named the tsunami and called for some life jackets to help us escape the gale forces of intensive parenting:
’s The Power of Parenting Norms and ’s Now Trending in Parenting. I felt especially moved by Melinda’s spotlight on a recent study showing that maternal mental health is worse due to features of intensive parenting culture – even when the mother does not ascribe to intensive parenting!Since I relate to that study finding, I asked myself where I have felt the tension between my autonomy-supportive philosophy and cultural expectations of being a “good mom.”
Here are some examples of my “rogue” parenting practices. I call them confessions because that’s what they feel like – whispered admissions to another parent I hope won’t judge me. Here we go! (I include links to what I’ve already written about how autonomy-supportive parenting science, theory, and practice support why I go rogue in these areas and links to other experts who use the science responsibly.)
Confession 1: My kids don’t have screen time limits.
Are you recoiling in horror? I worry that you are. Here’s the deal: we did have screen time limits for years. Television was relegated to one hour daily during the week with longer morning and evening time on the weekends; we heavily monitored iPad games because of meltdowns after too much; and when my oldest got her first cell phone, she had a phone contract including a two-hour limit.
Fast forward to our kids ages 14, 12, and 9 and we have adopted a more fluid approach. Partially because the micromanaging of screen time took way too much of our time and energy (lazy parenting!), but just as importantly, because we started to question the assumption of it. Was it really that terrible? Research studies examine thousands of kids at a time, but what was happening with the three children under our roof? (After growing out of the post-iPad meltdowns.)
So, we stepped back to play the long game by clarifying our parenting values: we want our children to develop an internal sense of “too much” screen time instead of relying so heavily on external limits. For my 9-year-old son (our first experience with gaming), Fortnite has become a way for him to socially connect, which really helps him decompress after the school day. It’s not daily and the time does tick up when a new season releases, but he’s much less hyper-focused on it than we feared. He watches TV 5-6ish each night as his relaxing time alone and an important fixture of his daily routine. (And mine!)
My daughters have surprisingly gone along with my suggested “phone-free hour” after school to give them a transition from the overwhelm of the school day to resting and homework time. This phone-free hour has meant more time hanging out with me in the kitchen – a true gift with middle schoolers! But we have relinquished our once-held two-hour phone use limit. The one non-negotiable rule is that phones are charged overnight outside of bedrooms because we won’t mess with sleep!
We often discuss with all three of our kids the importance of balancing physical activity, in-person friend time, and other non-screen enrichment with time on their devices. I don’t know if it’s perfect, but for now, we fight a lot less about it and my kids have shown the ability to moderate and regulate. They live full lives – even if TikTok takes more of their attention than I wish it did!
Summer and Screens: How to Not Have a Power Struggle (Read for autonomy-supportive tips that apply year-round!)
More science-based Substack goodness about screen time:
’s Techno Sapiens post, “Are screens bad for kids’ cognitive development?”Confession 2: I don’t know my kids’ grades most of the time.
Every few weeks I will think “maybe I should look at Power School” at my middle schoolers’ grades. And I do because we expect them to complete schoolwork to maintain their friend and device freedoms. When I do look every so often, I’m scanning for missing assignments and to make sure there’s no big grade drop.
I recognize having the luxury of children who are generally good fits for the school environment: conscientious, skilled, and organized (enough). If I had a child struggling academically, I would pay more attention. In our context, though, I’m not examining every assignment every day! Or even every week. Am I a bit nervous about my oldest starting high school in the fall and that I might become a little too concerned about her placement and grades? Yes, yes I am. But my largely hands-off approach in middle school has paid off as my daughter has not only improved her performance between sixth and eighth grades but more importantly, her motivation and interest in learning have observably increased.
For my last remaining elementary school kid (sniff, sniff), I would only care about grades if they indicated learning problems that needed addressing. Otherwise, as long as the teacher isn’t emailing me with concerns and we see him staying on track with foundational reading, writing, and math skills, I pay pretty close to zero attention to his actual grades.
I admittedly haven’t always been this easy breezy; it helps he’s the third child. I used to hope for at least a few “E’s” for Excellent (no letter grades in our school district) on the report cards, but I’ve even been able to let that go as I realize it doesn’t matter. What matters is that our children develop as positive a relationship with school and education as possible, which will increase the likelihood they do perform well when grades matter more in high school.
How to Have High Standards without Demanding All A’s
"How Do I Get My Kid to Like School?"
Confession 3: I don’t always know where my kids are.
I have three kids with busy social lives and activity schedules. My daughters, ages 12 and 14, no longer involve me in scheduling plans with their friends. We have parameters of course – we need to know the sketch of who they will be with, where they are going, and how they will get there and back. But once all that is decided and if I’m not needed as a driver, I whisk it away from my mental load. I don’t track their phone locations to make sure they are where they say they are. They travel between locations in our town, but I’m not monitoring that. They do know we don’t generally want them at kids’ houses without parents unless we know the friend well. Within our general policies, however, I have been known to be surprised when one of my kids walks through the door because I totally forgot about them. If there was no need for my services, I don’t keep it in my brain.
Child Independence Needs a Comeback
See
’s book and platform, Free-Range Kids, for tons of resources on supporting kids’ unsupervised time in their daily lives.Life Jackets for All
Looking at these three examples, I notice a couple trends. First, my husband and I have shifted approaches over the years. This speaks to both the critical role of flexibility in parenting as well as the capacity to make change even if “we’ve always done it this way.” Second, we have landed on allowing our children a fair amount of freedom and agency within the bounds of clear expectations. The basic expectations are screen time will not be all-consuming; they need to put effort into their schoolwork; we expect communication about social plans before they leave the house.
I would feel judged if I announced these three confessions at my local PTO meeting but here I am telling thousands of readers. Sharing seems safer in this context because I feel surrounded by acceptance of my choices. I know the parenting writers I read on Substack follow the science, and you subscribing to this newsletter means some part of this messaging resonates. Now we just need to build that sense of safety and acceptance of non-intensive parenting in our real-life communities.
The parenting changes in my family also demonstrate the power of operating from a framework like autonomy-supportive parenting to bolster our resolve to go against the intensive parenting norms. Grounded in the “why” of parenting opposite of what has become culturally sanctioned as “good parenting” helps us stay the course. With supporting autonomy as the big picture (my children’s autonomy and mine), I am confident I am being a good parent.
I wrote the book on autonomy-supportive parenting not just for the sake of writing a book, but to give a model and permission for a healthier way of parenting. If I can do my part to hand out as many life jackets as possible to the parents drowning in intensive parenting, we can unite in our strength of numbers until we can all turn the tides of intensive parenting around and redefine “good parent” with more expansiveness and grace.
What are your confessions? Where do you feel like you’re going rogue compared to today’s parenting norms?
**You can order my book Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.
I love this and just want to say that these same three things are true for our family! We also don't have strict screen time limits, don't track their grades like a hawk, and my middle schooler in particular often hangs out with friends after school and I don't know all the details. So I guess I'm just here to say: You're not alone!
Not only is this style of parenting healthier for parents, it's better for kids, too. And it's hard because it can feel counterintuitive and even neglectful — especially considering that culture seems to reward the parents who hover, helicopter, and otherwise shield their kids from the world. But when we let our kids have more autonomy in day-to-day situations, we're teaching them to build the competence and confidence to negotiate riskier situations. Our children need to wrestle with the world to figure out how to navigate it. As parents, that means our most important task is simply allowing our kids to go do things, without too much interference. And then the new role that parents take on is to be the observer and student of their child, noticing their interests and finding ways to gently encourage those natural inclinations, and creating a home environment that encourages their independence.