I love this and just want to say that these same three things are true for our family! We also don't have strict screen time limits, don't track their grades like a hawk, and my middle schooler in particular often hangs out with friends after school and I don't know all the details. So I guess I'm just here to say: You're not alone!
Not only is this style of parenting healthier for parents, it's better for kids, too. And it's hard because it can feel counterintuitive and even neglectful — especially considering that culture seems to reward the parents who hover, helicopter, and otherwise shield their kids from the world. But when we let our kids have more autonomy in day-to-day situations, we're teaching them to build the competence and confidence to negotiate riskier situations. Our children need to wrestle with the world to figure out how to navigate it. As parents, that means our most important task is simply allowing our kids to go do things, without too much interference. And then the new role that parents take on is to be the observer and student of their child, noticing their interests and finding ways to gently encourage those natural inclinations, and creating a home environment that encourages their independence.
Yes, I think the concept of neglect has played a big role in the social and cultural messaging around "good parenting," unfortunately. That's what makes it more important to keep putting out into the world this more positive narrative so thank you!
We also have flexible screen time limits and it has made a huge difference in our lives and given us so much interesting data. Different kids use screens differently. We have core expectation around screens like they can not interfere with things you need to do--like take care of your body's needs(eating, hygiene), responsibilities like school or keep us from our family and friend activities. We come back to this and everyone gets it. It's not perfect but we have so much less conflict and much more helpful discussions about screen use and how to prioritize what we need. Our oldest has recently been walking with his friends to a local park and it has given him so much pride.
So much less conflict, right? I think that's key. Taking a more fluid approach has been so reinforcing because life is not just easier, but the kids really are okay (most of the time).
Love this so much! I am increasingly following this approach with my 10-year old son and finding that he thrives with more autonomy. And it makes MY life easier and thus better too!
I love all of this!! My oldest is 6, and we let him ride his bike without adults in a few-block radius in our neighborhood, and he may be the only one his age allowed to do it. He's gotten himself into some pickles, and he's figured his way out. It's good for him!
YES. Same! Ours are 16, 14, and 10, and I can relate to all three of those points. I think it's so important, if it's not already in place, for parents—especially mothers—to perhaps turn some of that parenting energy inward and nurture themselves. When those kids fly the nest, it seems there might be a risk that intensive parenting can leave us at a loss, with no sense of how to "be" without helicoptering.
Agreed 100%! This intensive parenting robs parents of their full selves -- I see it all the time. And then empty nesters struggle that much more with their sense of self during that transition phase. Thank you for sharing!
At thebottom end, kids want to make a difference. It's up to you what you reinforce, but having a discussion about anythinr requires that first, may not know what they want When I was in the classroom, I went over human needs, what every human needs to be fulfilled, then I wrote "rectitude" on the board and told kids, "Every one of you has a need for rectitude, who can tell me what rectitude is? (nobody answered. So, let me get this right, to be balanced mentally, you need to have rectitude but we just saw that nobody even knows what it is, so either you get rectitude by accident or you don't get rectitude and maybe this is why you can't do Algebra ( big laugh). How can you expect to fire on all 8 cylinders when you don't know what rectitude is?
I’m currently pregnant with my third and have a 5 and 2 year old right now and I SO appreciate reading this. I currently have pretty strict screen time rules for my kids right now in hopes that we can one day get to where you are at! And school grades 😳 definitely want my goal to be to not know my kids grades. They just are not a realistic way to measure success. I was a “C” student myself who thrived so much more in the workplace than in school. For me being a “good mom” feels like I’m happy and our home is a happy place to be. It can be that simple.
We are the same! Same 3 things, true for me (at least when all my kids lived at home. True still, in their own ways, except for the obvious: the ones that aren't in school don't have grades for me to check anyway!) Taking the "not knowing grades" further, I often didn't even know what course my kids were taking in college.
As a middle school teacher (7th/8th grade) who is required to update an online gradebook weekly - it is fine not to obsess over the gradebook! I really want my students to ultimately begin be responsible to keep track of their own grades and assignments. Parents who obsess over grades don’t see how they’re getting in their kids’ ways, both short and long term.
As for screen time - I used to obsess over it more but the pandemic through that out the window. As long as my 10 year old daughter continues to be interested in a wide range of activities (which I am thankful she is), I feel ok about relaxing a lot of specific limits. Same thing with my son - although he’s only 2 and we are cutting him off after a certain number of episodes of “Sesame Street”, as he would watch all day. 😄
I love this and just want to say that these same three things are true for our family! We also don't have strict screen time limits, don't track their grades like a hawk, and my middle schooler in particular often hangs out with friends after school and I don't know all the details. So I guess I'm just here to say: You're not alone!
Well that puts me in the best company -- thank you! And I got at least three private emails saying the same, so we really are out here in the world :)
Not only is this style of parenting healthier for parents, it's better for kids, too. And it's hard because it can feel counterintuitive and even neglectful — especially considering that culture seems to reward the parents who hover, helicopter, and otherwise shield their kids from the world. But when we let our kids have more autonomy in day-to-day situations, we're teaching them to build the competence and confidence to negotiate riskier situations. Our children need to wrestle with the world to figure out how to navigate it. As parents, that means our most important task is simply allowing our kids to go do things, without too much interference. And then the new role that parents take on is to be the observer and student of their child, noticing their interests and finding ways to gently encourage those natural inclinations, and creating a home environment that encourages their independence.
Yes, I think the concept of neglect has played a big role in the social and cultural messaging around "good parenting," unfortunately. That's what makes it more important to keep putting out into the world this more positive narrative so thank you!
I love this Emily. And I could not agree more!
We also have flexible screen time limits and it has made a huge difference in our lives and given us so much interesting data. Different kids use screens differently. We have core expectation around screens like they can not interfere with things you need to do--like take care of your body's needs(eating, hygiene), responsibilities like school or keep us from our family and friend activities. We come back to this and everyone gets it. It's not perfect but we have so much less conflict and much more helpful discussions about screen use and how to prioritize what we need. Our oldest has recently been walking with his friends to a local park and it has given him so much pride.
So much less conflict, right? I think that's key. Taking a more fluid approach has been so reinforcing because life is not just easier, but the kids really are okay (most of the time).
Love this so much! I am increasingly following this approach with my 10-year old son and finding that he thrives with more autonomy. And it makes MY life easier and thus better too!
Right?!!? Truly better for all involved!
I love all of this!! My oldest is 6, and we let him ride his bike without adults in a few-block radius in our neighborhood, and he may be the only one his age allowed to do it. He's gotten himself into some pickles, and he's figured his way out. It's good for him!
I love this -- way to be a role model for other parents! And your son will be the one helping the other kids get out of pickles in the future :)
YES. Same! Ours are 16, 14, and 10, and I can relate to all three of those points. I think it's so important, if it's not already in place, for parents—especially mothers—to perhaps turn some of that parenting energy inward and nurture themselves. When those kids fly the nest, it seems there might be a risk that intensive parenting can leave us at a loss, with no sense of how to "be" without helicoptering.
Agreed 100%! This intensive parenting robs parents of their full selves -- I see it all the time. And then empty nesters struggle that much more with their sense of self during that transition phase. Thank you for sharing!
My son is 1.5 years old, so I'm taking notes on these great "confessions" as we navigate the next stages of parenting!
I love this -- you will be so prepared!
At thebottom end, kids want to make a difference. It's up to you what you reinforce, but having a discussion about anythinr requires that first, may not know what they want When I was in the classroom, I went over human needs, what every human needs to be fulfilled, then I wrote "rectitude" on the board and told kids, "Every one of you has a need for rectitude, who can tell me what rectitude is? (nobody answered. So, let me get this right, to be balanced mentally, you need to have rectitude but we just saw that nobody even knows what it is, so either you get rectitude by accident or you don't get rectitude and maybe this is why you can't do Algebra ( big laugh). How can you expect to fire on all 8 cylinders when you don't know what rectitude is?
Love, love, love this message!
I’m currently pregnant with my third and have a 5 and 2 year old right now and I SO appreciate reading this. I currently have pretty strict screen time rules for my kids right now in hopes that we can one day get to where you are at! And school grades 😳 definitely want my goal to be to not know my kids grades. They just are not a realistic way to measure success. I was a “C” student myself who thrived so much more in the workplace than in school. For me being a “good mom” feels like I’m happy and our home is a happy place to be. It can be that simple.
We are the same! Same 3 things, true for me (at least when all my kids lived at home. True still, in their own ways, except for the obvious: the ones that aren't in school don't have grades for me to check anyway!) Taking the "not knowing grades" further, I often didn't even know what course my kids were taking in college.
As a middle school teacher (7th/8th grade) who is required to update an online gradebook weekly - it is fine not to obsess over the gradebook! I really want my students to ultimately begin be responsible to keep track of their own grades and assignments. Parents who obsess over grades don’t see how they’re getting in their kids’ ways, both short and long term.
As for screen time - I used to obsess over it more but the pandemic through that out the window. As long as my 10 year old daughter continues to be interested in a wide range of activities (which I am thankful she is), I feel ok about relaxing a lot of specific limits. Same thing with my son - although he’s only 2 and we are cutting him off after a certain number of episodes of “Sesame Street”, as he would watch all day. 😄
This might have just released a pressure valve in our house just in time for summer! Thank you!