How to Have High Standards without Demanding All A’s

Autonomy-Supportive Diaries

As promised last week, this post from 2023 dives into how to be autonomy-supportive while also having high standards for your children and school. They are not mutually exclusive!

I’ll never forget the look on my client’s father’s face when I suggested shifting away from demanding his neurodivergent middle-schooler earn straight A’s. His expression indicated I may have just grown two heads. I know he’s not alone.

Why in the world would a parent consider lowering their expectations for school? 

Hopefully today’s newsletter makes clear that letting go of the demand for A’s is not about lowering expectations. Rather, it’s about interacting with our children around school in a way that nurtures their internal motivation to perform well academically.

It may seem counterintuitive to reduce pressure on grades, especially if we see our child as achieving below their capacity. The instinct to increase pressure makes sense.

But we know from the science of motivation and autonomy-supportive parenting that the more pressure our kids experience, the worse for their wellbeing and academic performance.

In last week’s newsletter, I presented the evidence for de-emphasizing external motivators like grades in exchange for emphasizing internal motivation. Not only does this motivator swap increase the chances of a child performing better, but also the likelihood they will feel confident and positive about school.

But reducing pressure does not mean discarding expectations for academic performance. Today I talk about how we can hold high standards for school – without these expectations converting into pressure, but rather as a way to inspire an enduring, positive relationship between your child and school.

In short, how do we have high standards while also supporting our child’s autonomy in school?

Swallowing or Digesting? 

You may be familiar with the concept of internalization. When humans internalize an external rule, expectation, or value, we change our behavior. In grad school, I dreaded every statistics lecture, assignment, and test. But I knew that I had to grasp statistics to reach my goal of graduating as a clinical psychologist, so I studied hard despite wanting to avoid. (In a fun twist of fate, after finishing Intro to Stats, I was assigned as the teaching assistant for the next class! I couldn’t get away.)  

In parenting, we want our children to internalize our rules, expectations, and values. You may have noticed this can be a bumpy road and children and teenagers aren’t always willingly complying with household rules or changing their behaviors in accordance with our expectations (like picking up all of their stuff around the house).

Ironically, a child openly debating rules can mean they are more likely to internalize it in a healthy way because they feel safe negotiating (my three children feel very safe – so much negotiation in my house!).  On the other hand, a child who appears obedient on the surface without questioning even the most unappealing rule is more likely to lie or sneak around, showing they haven’t internalized the rule in a healthy way despite appearing to comply.   

These different responses a child may have to rules reflect the two types of internalization: introjection and integration. 

• Introjection means “swallowing” a rule without absorbing its meaning. 

• Integration means “digesting” the rule to internalize why it’s meaningful. 

These concepts are especially important when considering a rule or expectation a child doesn’t like such as doing chores. When the chores expectation has been integrated, the child experiences it as having meaning (e.g., chores build life skills and are part of sharing space as a family). This results not only in more cooperation but a child developing their own internal motivation, even for this activity they wouldn’t choose to do.

In the case of introjection, however, one of two outcomes commonly occur: either half-hearted compliance or rebellion (a child either does a terrible job cleaning or outright refuses to participate). Or a third option: a child wholeheartedly complies only as long as contingencies like rewards and consequences are in place (e.g., if they don’t get paid, they won’t do chores).

In the realm of school, the research has shown that children who describe greater integration show more positive school behaviors and stronger performance than children who describe introjection.

In Edward Deci’s book, Why We Do What We Do, he describes a study by Richard Ryan and Wendy Grolnick that compared outcomes of elementary school children who either introjected or integrated expectations. Researchers found that teachers saw both groups as equally motivated, and both groups of kids rated themselves similarly in how hard they tried. 

But the introjected group reported higher anxiety about school and coped poorly with failure. In contrast, the integrated group enjoyed school and demonstrated healthier coping when faced with failure.

The differences between groups illustrate why we would want to aim for integration over introjection, even if behaviors might look the same from the outside. 

Instead of zooming in our focus on all A’s (or other academic outcomes), we should zoom out to how we talk to our children about academics, communicating in ways that our child will integrate why their education is personally meaningful to them.

This is where a pillar of autonomy-supportive parenting comes in — values.

The Value of Family Values

My set of personal values within the education domain includes work ethic, responsibility, and persistence. So, when I feel like any of my children are working below their capabilities, I start to fret not about grades, but about their attitude and approach to school. Fear-driven parenting takes the wheel when I catastrophize that a half-hearted approach today must signify a future of forever giving a half-hearted effort in school. 

When I have the wherewithal to connect the dots between my emotions (worried, fearful) and my behavior (nagging, putting on more pressure), I am then better able to stop the loop. Then I can communicate to my children expectations rooted in values related to their education--and back off from pressuring performance.

I have seen in my own family how this shift from pressure to communicating about values pays off.

As just one example, I have watched my oldest child transform over her middle school trajectory. She has gone from a sixth grader who disliked school, at times fell behind, and appeared lackadaisical in general about the whole enterprise, to an eighth grader who works ahead (at least sometimes), talks with enthusiasm at dinner about what she’s learning, and has confidence in her abilities. She has found her own meaning in school, supported but not oppressed by our academic expectations. I’m sure this is not a linear path as high school will bring another transition,¹ but my young teen has discovered her school joy for now, and it shows.

Back to the original question: how can parents have high standards while supporting their child’s autonomy? In our family, my husband and I hold high standards for our children and school. We expect them to complete their work, arrive at school prepared, treat teachers with respect, and communicate when there are problems. We expect them to prioritize their education and align school behaviors with personal values. We expect all of this without expecting straight A’s. In this process, which may take years, we hope our children discover where they find joy, satisfaction, and fulfillment in learning.

This has not been a neat and tidy process for me, despite me sort of wrapping it in a bow in this newsletter. As an over-achiever who loved school and excelled like it was my varsity sport, the ambition to earn top grades is woven into my fabric. Since my oldest started kindergarten nine years ago, I’ve been pushing myself to work against what feels like an innate striving for external metrics. I had an instinct that this academic neuroticism wouldn’t be great for my kids or our relationship if I didn’t channel it.

If we look to the future at the end of these many years of parenting our young students, I think most parents want the same outcome: a child who has integrated what feels meaningful to them about their education. If we parent in a way that promotes this integration, we have truly succeeded in supporting not only a lifetime of learning, but their autonomy.

Image by Наталия Когут from Pixabay

I want to hear from you — how do you handle grades and school expectations in your house? What works and what doesn’t?

We are more than halfway through September, people. We’re going to make it! I’ve been indulging in some great TV to help sustain me through all of the extra (three back-to-school nights, so many soccer games, and school forms galore). Maybe you could use a little escape too!

They all happen to be on Apple and each have a completely distinct vibe, from robot sci-fi in Japan with Rashida Jones to a tortured and unlikable Jake Gyllenhall on trial for murder in Chicago to Vince Vaughn in a comedic murder mystery set in Florida with a monkey as a co-star. I may be dropping some balls in the September juggling act but I’m living my best TV life!

In parenting solidarity,

Emily

1. Update now that said child has started high school: she’s the most motivated I have seen her in her school life. At least for the first month of school, but it’s a promising start. With years of practice now, I’ve gotten much better at not focusing on grades!