One of our main jobs as parents is to teach kids how to be in relationships. Something I think is missing from the extreme forms of "gentle parenting" is a recognition that other people have needs and feelings, too. Yes, your feelings matter, but so do others', and sometimes your feelings are not the most important. I had a client once, a young girl who hated, hated, hated having her picture taken and didn't hesitate to let everyone know it at the top of her lungs. When grandma's big birthday was coming up, and family members were going to be gathering from near and far, I said to the girl, "You really hate getting your picture taken. It makes you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, and it's boring to stop what you're doing and look at the camera or line up with everyone. I hear you. Whose feelings are most important at Grandma's birthday party?" Recognizing the answer to this question helped her endure the family photos at the big event. Our kids feelings matter, but they're not always the most imporant thing.
what a helpful perspective, thank you! it doesn't do us any good to teach ourselves that their parents don't have needs--and I think a lot about how important it is for my sons to see a mother who is a full person with needs and priorities and interests outside them, as part of them learning that women are full people, too!
100%!!! And women are especially vulnerable with a lifetime of socialization that we should subvert our own needs for others. It has to be a very intentional action for mothers to do this.
Yeah, 14 year olds drinking to the point of vomiting sounds super alarming. And the *idea* that it was happening with the support of some parents is also alarming. Though, as you said, you don't know the whole story, and I am curious about what the story really is. What needs were they trying to meet? We have no idea.
I also found the phrase "connection over consequences" super interesting as I have never heard of it. But, to be fair, I spend almost no time on social media besides facebook. I *have* heard of "connection before correction", which makes sense. It seems that in your analysis of the "consequences" you are actually meaning punishments. Is that right?
I read this with curiosity, because of the conflation, in your title, of gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting has a big umbrella, but "no" is definitely a word that gets used. Your rule of no phones in rooms overnight makes total sense, in terms of meeting needs for proper rest, safety, predictable expectations etc. And it could absolutely fall under the umbrella of gentle parenting, though I got the impression you think it doesn't. Did I understand that correctly?
I am in full agreement with you about scooping up a melting child and leaving a restaurant, and with the idea that it can happen while still being curious and empathic about what the child is needing. But I think this also falls under gentle parenting. More specifically, respectful parenting.
I think we're largely on the same page. But I have some concern about the "permissive" and "gentle" being read as the same thing, which, in my world, they aren't at all. And just writing that sentence, to me, invites judgment of permissiveness. I would rather be curious as to what longings a parent has that leads them towards permissiveness.
So much to unpack here! First, I see consequences as a part of discipline, which differs from punishment. Second, I can see how the practice of gentle parenting can overlap with what appears permissive, but I agree they are different. Permissive is characterized by little structure and lots of freedom, where I see parents interpreting gentle parenting as prioritizing the relationship over behavioral limits -- in every interaction. I have previously distinguished between gentle parenting as a philosophy from how its messages have become diluted and internalized by parents differently than their original intent. The bottom line is I have seen how the gentle parenting messaging -- and how it's interpreted -- has led to parents worrying about any disruption in the parent-child relationship, which leads to difficulties enforcing limits. Hopefully that made my stance clearer. Thanks for your insights!
I am currently separating from my psychologically abusive husband. And while i am definately for Gentle parenting, he is permissive all the way. Of course the kids love it! They dont even have to fasten their seatbelts when he drives around with them. I worry a lot about custody arrangements once i am financially able to move out because i see his behaviour as very dangerous for the kids - both in immediate terms (i.e. in case of an accident) but also in the long term Effects of never having to Deal with Limits and disappoinment.
As a clinical psychologist and now mother of grown 30 something old boys (so I only had to deal at home with the beginning of tech issues) I’ll never forget when my then teen son came home from a friends and thanked me for not allowing them to have televisions in their rooms. I asked why and he said ‘everyone had their own tv at x’s house - so I watched the game with my friend, his mom watched in the kitchen, his dad in the den and his brother in his room. We all watch together and it’s more fun that way ( one tv in our family room, a small tv in the basement for the treadmill, and a small tv in our adult bedroom that rarely got turned on). He had fought for years to have a television and we resisted. It was a nice parenting moment.
Keep those boundaries! I often tell my client/teens to empty a beer can in the bathroom and fill with water or soda if they don’t want to be hassled.
Thanks for this! I agree wholeheartedly that children need limits and they thrive when caregivers set appropriate limits. I have been so disappointed that the idea of “gentle parenting” has become synonymous with permissive or anything-goes parenting. I’m wondering how to speak about an approach to parenting that listens to kids, honors their wishes and selfhood, realizes the importance of kids being able to express and name feelings, but also realizes that children need limits and guidance in order to feel safe and learn how to function as a healthy, self-aware human in the world.
I know what that approach is — autonomy-supportive parenting! (I wrote a book about it.) The relationship piece in autonomy-supportive parenting (using empathy, perspective-taking, and expressing unconditional love and acceptance) is central to implementing other strategies that build autonomy and competence.
From my understanding, a lot of what gentle parenting is about has gotten lost and subverted in the world of influencers. But it does matter how so many parents have ended up interpreting gentle parenting and the pressure it has placed on their parenting experience.
Great article. I think a lot about a spin off idea of connections versus consequences is a kind of “appeasement parenting” where the desires and interests of children dictate everything about family life from what people eat to how the whole family spend its time around in enrichments and extracurriculars.
I haven't heard that term but it definitely captures what I have seen in many families. It's definitely a setup for our children to be quite disappointed when they leave our homes and not everything revolves around their needs. I think that these days parents almost need permission to NOT do this. I know I do my best in my own community to model not always putting our kids' needs first.
Thank you for putting this into words so eloquently!
As clinical psychologists working with parents of younger children we have seen this time and time again where parents feel under enormous pressure to stick so rigidly to the scripts and rules of gentle parenting during challenging moments - and in our opinion this is actually a detriment to the relationship because so many of the normal, natural, and instinctive cues of back and forth interactions within relationships (even tense or challenging ones!) are missed.
We have met so many parents who are simply terrified of saying or doing the “wrong” thing and so they naturally and quite understandably withdraw into permissive and passive responses.
Thanks so much! I agree that I keep encountering parents who feel so much pressure to do the "right" thing -- not just generally, but during each interaction with their child. It's not healthy! I'm hoping that more of us with expertise in child development and psychology who speak up can help even a little bit to counter that pressure.
As a middle school parent, I'm shocked that parents are letting their high schoolers drink! Thanks for this helpful guidance. Another author I love on this topic is Jessica Leahy.
"a main reason parents are seduced by the idea of a no-phone policy is that it is simply exhausting to regulate use once the phone is in their hands."
^^I think this is so, so huge, and I think this connects directly to why many parents avoid holding boundaries, or make their kids do chores, etc., etc. Because it's uncomfortable and unpleasant to hold the line when our kids are pushing against a boundary or whining about the thing they don't want to do. It's easier, in the moment, to give in and say, FINE. Even though we know we shouldn't. And if you (as a parent) are already tapped out, already exhausted, already burned out, already stressed - it's even harder to hold that boundary.
Haha I know this isn’t ideal but honestly if I can see myself not holding the line because I’m exhausted, I’ll just forget about the line. “Can I have a chocolate milk?” (The rule is, only one chocolate milk a day) “Oh right, I haven’t given you a glass today (I totally have). Sure, here you go.” Or if I don’t think enforcing clean up will go well today, I’ll just make a show of forgetting to clean up and start them towards bed. Somehow I feel like being seen as forgetful occasionally is easier to come back from than “if I make enough trouble, mom folds.” Whether I forget is not within their control.
Oh, 10000X yes to this. I routinely forget to enforce boundaries about my kid’s screen time because I’m just not thinking about it in the moment or enforcing it is going to be more trouble than it’s worth!
Such a great article, Emily. I find myself in a similar season of parenting and learning to once again lean on my OWN intuition when it comes to parenting my kids (especially my teens). I love what you said about being afraid of our relationship with our kids, feeling as though it is somehow "broken" (thanks to the onslaught of parenting experts out there). Long way of saying, YES, to all of this.
Yours is such an important & valuable voice in the parenting space! Kudos to you for navigating that party WITH your child -- for having the discussions in advance, for equipping her w strategies, for setting boundaries & expectations. Kudos to you for calling out the false divide between "connection" and "consequences." (I'm thinking of my own relationships, and so often, deeper connection comes from recognizing and learning from consequences of my behavior and actions.)
My 12 year old boy does not have a phone and neither do most of his friend group as they are at a Steiner school where technology isn’t introduced until high school. We specifically chose Waldorf education when he was small for this reason as all the state schools here introduce technology based learning from the age of eight. Most of the steiner schools in New Zealand are state integrated special character schools so they do learn the same curriculum as the mainstream but from a more experiential hands on perspective without computers. I feel like it really does help make it easier for parents when their peers are also not using phones or social media.
Admittedly I lived in a quiet country town where people would leave their front door unlocked so helpful shopkeepers could drop groceries around, but …
From age 7 onwards, I would walk to & from school alone every morning, a distance of around 1.5km. And so would my friends
This kind of Motte and Bailey arguments are very common among people who criticize gentle parenting - you start with something crazy like kids drinking or doing drugs and then try to apply that to toddlers. But when people talk about why younger children need more connection, it goes back to statistics about how horrific the consequences of phones are.
Let's take fourteen year olds deciding to drink. Why do they do that? Because either 1) you have a good connection with them and you approve of that behavior, which you've communicated by giving them sips of wine or you yourself are seen with alcohol a lot or 2) your attachment has been disrupted long before even if you don't realize it, they take all their emotional cues from friends, and they need to drink to appear cool to their friends. Your opinion doesn't matter here or 3) they have had adverse childhood experiences and drink in order to numb the pain.
Usually there's a friend whose issue is 3), there's some of 1) in creating an acceptable environment for alcohol, but if kids are partying and drinking together, 2) is the most popular manifestation
If you have a "because I said so" style of parenting, that itself contributes to 3), or to disrupting your attachment so 2) is easier. If you have a strong attachment, you've to work on creating an alcohol-intolerant environment for them. This can involve moving to a better neighborhood, not drinking yourself, being friends with your kids' friends' parents and having shared goals.
The problem with your scenario isn't that people are "gentle parenting" because that also involves setting your child up for success with their environment. It's that they have been told by plenty of people with authority that you can't stop your child from trying sex, drugs and alcohol and "teenage hormones" means they'll do it with or without your knowledge and it's better for them to do it with your knowledge as then they'll feel safer coming to you for help when things go wrong.
By those standards, this seems to have gone to plan. The kids who'd drink for reasons 1) and 2) had their big adventure in a controlled enough situation, and probably won't be trying something this insane for a while. The only losers are kids with adverse childhood experiences and other susceptibility to alcoholism.
If it's wrong that you can't stop your kids from drinking, drugs and sex, then that needs to be addressed. Parenting style makes no difference when this belief is held. Kids of all backgrounds seem to partake in underage drinking.
This is just a convenient cudgel to fit in your choice of complaint about parenting styles you don't like. Folks against strict parents will say the strictness leads to kids drinking and sneaking. Folks against chill parents will say the laxity makes kids try alcohol and have no fear of consequences.
As a grandparent, I appreciated reading this. Life as a parent was so much easier before social media--and it is so hard to watch connection parenting--and see how much children want and need rules and structure.
The environment we create for our kiddos either sets them up to make good choices or poor choices. They need to learn consequences early and often. If we don’t establish boundaries - that have consequences when you step outside of them - we fail to steward that learning.
I’m already finding this harder as my first daughter has turned 3 and is resorting to whining and screaming more to get her way. It’s hard to stay calm, let her scream, and maintain the boundary that has been established, clarified, and repeated. We like to still pick our battles where we can and have to give everyone grace for really tough situations, but consistency has been key.
Hi, I have a different perspective to offer. It's all based on Choice Theory psychology, an internal control psychology. First of all, parents CANNOT control their children, and never could, even at birth. Who could stop a baby crying? Secondly, the strongest need driving parent's behavior is keeping their children safe and alive. A teens strongest need is his need for POWER and FREEDOM. Our job is helping our children learn to meet their needs for power and freedom SAFELY. Consequences imposed, beyond the natural consequence of alcohol making someone sick, will not INFLUENCE your child, except maybe to keep the kiddo from telling you some of the mistakes she has made when she had more freedom and power than she could handle. Whatever your child's age is NOW, start teaching him to manage increased freedom and power responsibly and respectfully.
Please read "GROWING GOOD FAMILY & MENTAL HEALTH to learn more.
One of our main jobs as parents is to teach kids how to be in relationships. Something I think is missing from the extreme forms of "gentle parenting" is a recognition that other people have needs and feelings, too. Yes, your feelings matter, but so do others', and sometimes your feelings are not the most important. I had a client once, a young girl who hated, hated, hated having her picture taken and didn't hesitate to let everyone know it at the top of her lungs. When grandma's big birthday was coming up, and family members were going to be gathering from near and far, I said to the girl, "You really hate getting your picture taken. It makes you feel uncomfortable and self-conscious, and it's boring to stop what you're doing and look at the camera or line up with everyone. I hear you. Whose feelings are most important at Grandma's birthday party?" Recognizing the answer to this question helped her endure the family photos at the big event. Our kids feelings matter, but they're not always the most imporant thing.
Such an excellent example Eileen. Thank you!
what a helpful perspective, thank you! it doesn't do us any good to teach ourselves that their parents don't have needs--and I think a lot about how important it is for my sons to see a mother who is a full person with needs and priorities and interests outside them, as part of them learning that women are full people, too!
100%!!! And women are especially vulnerable with a lifetime of socialization that we should subvert our own needs for others. It has to be a very intentional action for mothers to do this.
Yeah, 14 year olds drinking to the point of vomiting sounds super alarming. And the *idea* that it was happening with the support of some parents is also alarming. Though, as you said, you don't know the whole story, and I am curious about what the story really is. What needs were they trying to meet? We have no idea.
I also found the phrase "connection over consequences" super interesting as I have never heard of it. But, to be fair, I spend almost no time on social media besides facebook. I *have* heard of "connection before correction", which makes sense. It seems that in your analysis of the "consequences" you are actually meaning punishments. Is that right?
I read this with curiosity, because of the conflation, in your title, of gentle parenting and permissive parenting. Gentle parenting has a big umbrella, but "no" is definitely a word that gets used. Your rule of no phones in rooms overnight makes total sense, in terms of meeting needs for proper rest, safety, predictable expectations etc. And it could absolutely fall under the umbrella of gentle parenting, though I got the impression you think it doesn't. Did I understand that correctly?
I am in full agreement with you about scooping up a melting child and leaving a restaurant, and with the idea that it can happen while still being curious and empathic about what the child is needing. But I think this also falls under gentle parenting. More specifically, respectful parenting.
I think we're largely on the same page. But I have some concern about the "permissive" and "gentle" being read as the same thing, which, in my world, they aren't at all. And just writing that sentence, to me, invites judgment of permissiveness. I would rather be curious as to what longings a parent has that leads them towards permissiveness.
How is it for you to get this response?
So much to unpack here! First, I see consequences as a part of discipline, which differs from punishment. Second, I can see how the practice of gentle parenting can overlap with what appears permissive, but I agree they are different. Permissive is characterized by little structure and lots of freedom, where I see parents interpreting gentle parenting as prioritizing the relationship over behavioral limits -- in every interaction. I have previously distinguished between gentle parenting as a philosophy from how its messages have become diluted and internalized by parents differently than their original intent. The bottom line is I have seen how the gentle parenting messaging -- and how it's interpreted -- has led to parents worrying about any disruption in the parent-child relationship, which leads to difficulties enforcing limits. Hopefully that made my stance clearer. Thanks for your insights!
Yes, thank you!
I am currently separating from my psychologically abusive husband. And while i am definately for Gentle parenting, he is permissive all the way. Of course the kids love it! They dont even have to fasten their seatbelts when he drives around with them. I worry a lot about custody arrangements once i am financially able to move out because i see his behaviour as very dangerous for the kids - both in immediate terms (i.e. in case of an accident) but also in the long term Effects of never having to Deal with Limits and disappoinment.
As a clinical psychologist and now mother of grown 30 something old boys (so I only had to deal at home with the beginning of tech issues) I’ll never forget when my then teen son came home from a friends and thanked me for not allowing them to have televisions in their rooms. I asked why and he said ‘everyone had their own tv at x’s house - so I watched the game with my friend, his mom watched in the kitchen, his dad in the den and his brother in his room. We all watch together and it’s more fun that way ( one tv in our family room, a small tv in the basement for the treadmill, and a small tv in our adult bedroom that rarely got turned on). He had fought for years to have a television and we resisted. It was a nice parenting moment.
Keep those boundaries! I often tell my client/teens to empty a beer can in the bathroom and fill with water or soda if they don’t want to be hassled.
Love this example and empty beer can advice Sheryl -- thank you!
Thanks for this! I agree wholeheartedly that children need limits and they thrive when caregivers set appropriate limits. I have been so disappointed that the idea of “gentle parenting” has become synonymous with permissive or anything-goes parenting. I’m wondering how to speak about an approach to parenting that listens to kids, honors their wishes and selfhood, realizes the importance of kids being able to express and name feelings, but also realizes that children need limits and guidance in order to feel safe and learn how to function as a healthy, self-aware human in the world.
I know what that approach is — autonomy-supportive parenting! (I wrote a book about it.) The relationship piece in autonomy-supportive parenting (using empathy, perspective-taking, and expressing unconditional love and acceptance) is central to implementing other strategies that build autonomy and competence.
From my understanding, a lot of what gentle parenting is about has gotten lost and subverted in the world of influencers. But it does matter how so many parents have ended up interpreting gentle parenting and the pressure it has placed on their parenting experience.
Great article. I think a lot about a spin off idea of connections versus consequences is a kind of “appeasement parenting” where the desires and interests of children dictate everything about family life from what people eat to how the whole family spend its time around in enrichments and extracurriculars.
I haven't heard that term but it definitely captures what I have seen in many families. It's definitely a setup for our children to be quite disappointed when they leave our homes and not everything revolves around their needs. I think that these days parents almost need permission to NOT do this. I know I do my best in my own community to model not always putting our kids' needs first.
i'm pretty sure i just made up this term, but maybe i'll use it in my book! thanks for the inspo.
Thank you for putting this into words so eloquently!
As clinical psychologists working with parents of younger children we have seen this time and time again where parents feel under enormous pressure to stick so rigidly to the scripts and rules of gentle parenting during challenging moments - and in our opinion this is actually a detriment to the relationship because so many of the normal, natural, and instinctive cues of back and forth interactions within relationships (even tense or challenging ones!) are missed.
We have met so many parents who are simply terrified of saying or doing the “wrong” thing and so they naturally and quite understandably withdraw into permissive and passive responses.
Really love this piece!
Thanks so much! I agree that I keep encountering parents who feel so much pressure to do the "right" thing -- not just generally, but during each interaction with their child. It's not healthy! I'm hoping that more of us with expertise in child development and psychology who speak up can help even a little bit to counter that pressure.
As a middle school parent, I'm shocked that parents are letting their high schoolers drink! Thanks for this helpful guidance. Another author I love on this topic is Jessica Leahy.
YES! I footnoted her book, The Addiction Inoculation. Every parent should read it!
"a main reason parents are seduced by the idea of a no-phone policy is that it is simply exhausting to regulate use once the phone is in their hands."
^^I think this is so, so huge, and I think this connects directly to why many parents avoid holding boundaries, or make their kids do chores, etc., etc. Because it's uncomfortable and unpleasant to hold the line when our kids are pushing against a boundary or whining about the thing they don't want to do. It's easier, in the moment, to give in and say, FINE. Even though we know we shouldn't. And if you (as a parent) are already tapped out, already exhausted, already burned out, already stressed - it's even harder to hold that boundary.
Haha I know this isn’t ideal but honestly if I can see myself not holding the line because I’m exhausted, I’ll just forget about the line. “Can I have a chocolate milk?” (The rule is, only one chocolate milk a day) “Oh right, I haven’t given you a glass today (I totally have). Sure, here you go.” Or if I don’t think enforcing clean up will go well today, I’ll just make a show of forgetting to clean up and start them towards bed. Somehow I feel like being seen as forgetful occasionally is easier to come back from than “if I make enough trouble, mom folds.” Whether I forget is not within their control.
Oh, 10000X yes to this. I routinely forget to enforce boundaries about my kid’s screen time because I’m just not thinking about it in the moment or enforcing it is going to be more trouble than it’s worth!
Oh yes this is one of my favorite parenting moves to save my own sanity :)
Such a great article, Emily. I find myself in a similar season of parenting and learning to once again lean on my OWN intuition when it comes to parenting my kids (especially my teens). I love what you said about being afraid of our relationship with our kids, feeling as though it is somehow "broken" (thanks to the onslaught of parenting experts out there). Long way of saying, YES, to all of this.
Oh that intuition thing has become so much more work with all the so-called experts. Glad this piece resonated!
Yours is such an important & valuable voice in the parenting space! Kudos to you for navigating that party WITH your child -- for having the discussions in advance, for equipping her w strategies, for setting boundaries & expectations. Kudos to you for calling out the false divide between "connection" and "consequences." (I'm thinking of my own relationships, and so often, deeper connection comes from recognizing and learning from consequences of my behavior and actions.)
Thanks as always for your support Jen!
My 12 year old boy does not have a phone and neither do most of his friend group as they are at a Steiner school where technology isn’t introduced until high school. We specifically chose Waldorf education when he was small for this reason as all the state schools here introduce technology based learning from the age of eight. Most of the steiner schools in New Zealand are state integrated special character schools so they do learn the same curriculum as the mainstream but from a more experiential hands on perspective without computers. I feel like it really does help make it easier for parents when their peers are also not using phones or social media.
Admittedly I lived in a quiet country town where people would leave their front door unlocked so helpful shopkeepers could drop groceries around, but …
From age 7 onwards, I would walk to & from school alone every morning, a distance of around 1.5km. And so would my friends
This kind of Motte and Bailey arguments are very common among people who criticize gentle parenting - you start with something crazy like kids drinking or doing drugs and then try to apply that to toddlers. But when people talk about why younger children need more connection, it goes back to statistics about how horrific the consequences of phones are.
Let's take fourteen year olds deciding to drink. Why do they do that? Because either 1) you have a good connection with them and you approve of that behavior, which you've communicated by giving them sips of wine or you yourself are seen with alcohol a lot or 2) your attachment has been disrupted long before even if you don't realize it, they take all their emotional cues from friends, and they need to drink to appear cool to their friends. Your opinion doesn't matter here or 3) they have had adverse childhood experiences and drink in order to numb the pain.
Usually there's a friend whose issue is 3), there's some of 1) in creating an acceptable environment for alcohol, but if kids are partying and drinking together, 2) is the most popular manifestation
If you have a "because I said so" style of parenting, that itself contributes to 3), or to disrupting your attachment so 2) is easier. If you have a strong attachment, you've to work on creating an alcohol-intolerant environment for them. This can involve moving to a better neighborhood, not drinking yourself, being friends with your kids' friends' parents and having shared goals.
The problem with your scenario isn't that people are "gentle parenting" because that also involves setting your child up for success with their environment. It's that they have been told by plenty of people with authority that you can't stop your child from trying sex, drugs and alcohol and "teenage hormones" means they'll do it with or without your knowledge and it's better for them to do it with your knowledge as then they'll feel safer coming to you for help when things go wrong.
By those standards, this seems to have gone to plan. The kids who'd drink for reasons 1) and 2) had their big adventure in a controlled enough situation, and probably won't be trying something this insane for a while. The only losers are kids with adverse childhood experiences and other susceptibility to alcoholism.
If it's wrong that you can't stop your kids from drinking, drugs and sex, then that needs to be addressed. Parenting style makes no difference when this belief is held. Kids of all backgrounds seem to partake in underage drinking.
This is just a convenient cudgel to fit in your choice of complaint about parenting styles you don't like. Folks against strict parents will say the strictness leads to kids drinking and sneaking. Folks against chill parents will say the laxity makes kids try alcohol and have no fear of consequences.
As a grandparent, I appreciated reading this. Life as a parent was so much easier before social media--and it is so hard to watch connection parenting--and see how much children want and need rules and structure.
The environment we create for our kiddos either sets them up to make good choices or poor choices. They need to learn consequences early and often. If we don’t establish boundaries - that have consequences when you step outside of them - we fail to steward that learning.
I’m already finding this harder as my first daughter has turned 3 and is resorting to whining and screaming more to get her way. It’s hard to stay calm, let her scream, and maintain the boundary that has been established, clarified, and repeated. We like to still pick our battles where we can and have to give everyone grace for really tough situations, but consistency has been key.
Hi, I have a different perspective to offer. It's all based on Choice Theory psychology, an internal control psychology. First of all, parents CANNOT control their children, and never could, even at birth. Who could stop a baby crying? Secondly, the strongest need driving parent's behavior is keeping their children safe and alive. A teens strongest need is his need for POWER and FREEDOM. Our job is helping our children learn to meet their needs for power and freedom SAFELY. Consequences imposed, beyond the natural consequence of alcohol making someone sick, will not INFLUENCE your child, except maybe to keep the kiddo from telling you some of the mistakes she has made when she had more freedom and power than she could handle. Whatever your child's age is NOW, start teaching him to manage increased freedom and power responsibly and respectfully.
Please read "GROWING GOOD FAMILY & MENTAL HEALTH to learn more.
Cheers, Dr. Nancy B