"You're Doing Great:" Parenting Toddlers

I remember the very moment my first-born transformed from cutesy baby to mercurial toddler. A few months pregnant, I was walking the sidewalks of our Pasadena neighborhood with my husband and our 14-month-old in her stroller. She started straining against the lap strap and insisting on getting out to walk. We insisted she stay in her stroller. She threw a memorable fit. And a toddler was born.

From that day in 2011 through my third child’s sixth birthday in 2020, I was parenting children in the 1-5 range, defined as early childhood. Now parenting older children, I can look back and see that those years almost broke me. My passion to be a compassionate voice of support and empowerment in the parenting world comes from my own sense of inadequacy and failure in those years. “Your mess is your message,” as they say.¹

Photo by Arwan Sutanto on Unsplash

In my recent reader survey, a few people asked for more content about how to care for themselves and manage parent burnout. Not coincidentally, 72% of survey respondents are also parenting children in the 2-5 age range. Quite frankly, this shocked me since I write little content for parenting our youngest kids (maybe because I’m still recovering from the experience myself). But it inspired me to share some reassurance with all of you in the trenches of parenting toddler and toddler-adjacent children.

“You’re Doing Great”

My neighbor and his two young children walked ahead of me on the way to school on a May morning with the threat of rain pulsing in the grey sky. I gathered that the younger sister had insisted on walking with her kindergartener brother to school and then had a different idea halfway through the walk as I overheard her father encouraging her, “one foot in front of the other. That’s how you keep walking!” She protested as she stopped directly in front of me, squatting in her yellow legging shorts that clung to a diaper bulge. The umbrella in her hands wobbled. The protest became louder as she reached for her father. 

I sidled by the father-daughter standoff, wrangling my unruly two dogs. The father made eye contact with me and I could see it in his face. When he smiled, I picked up on a feeling I knew well from my own years parenting toddlers: apologetic embarrassment. He explained, “she’s almost a threenager.” I said, “I’ve been there three times. I totally get it. You’re doing great.” His shoulders dropped. “Really? I feel like I’m always getting it wrong.”  

His tiny protester demanded his attention. My dogs demanded my forward movement, their noses urgently exploring the scents of spring grass. We parted ways even though I had more to say. I wanted to say all the things I wish someone had said to me in those years. I wanted to assure him – with very little knowledge about his parenting – that he was fine.

Everything I Needed to Know About Parenting I Learned in the Toddler Years

I often wish I could advise my younger parenting self of a few truths that would have helped me chill the heck out. Because I’ve realized that what I learned parenting in the young childhood years taught me the essentials of parenting that anchor me today. 

1. It’s not you, it’s them. When your toddler writhes on the ground because you stirred their yogurt in the wrong direction, you didn’t trigger this. There’s nothing you could have done to avoid it. The storm was brewing in their tiny emotional brains, just looking for a reason to release the thunder and torrential rain. You may be familiar with the HALT acronym to think about possible culprits for these meltdowns: Hunger, Avoiding anxiety/Angry, Lonely (this includes boredom and feeling like they haven’t gotten enough attention from you), Tired. In other words, it’s not YOU.

   When my neighbor felt like he was doing something wrong because his threenager erupted, he wasn’t. I don’t know what was happening in her cute little brain but maybe she started getting anxious about the impending rain or simply felt angry her father wasn’t immediately picking her up. We can’t parent in a way that our toddlers avoid their emotions (eg, picking them up every time they ask instead of walking on their own). This means that no matter what we do they will have emotions. Passionately. At embarrassing volumes.

   Parenting in those moments does not feel good. But it has everything to do with your child’s development and very little to do with the quality of your parenting. If I could have believed it wasn’t about me and I wasn’t doing something wrong, I’m sure I would have had more calm and patience. I know this because it’s been true since then with my older kids: depersonalizing my children’s behaviors and emotions has helped me be less reactive.

2. Yelling at our children does not help. But forgive yourself when you do and move on. If you follow this Substack, you have likely consumed enough parenting information to know that staying calm is the best response to our children’s emotional and behavioral outbursts (of all ages, but those toddler ones are especially epic). We know that, but we don’t always do that because we are humans rather than robots. It’s okay. 

   I have written before about the parameters of forgivable, non-damaging yelling, but my general advice is stay calm as often as you can and, on the occasions when you lose it, first be gentle with yourself and then with your child for some repair. In my fourteen years of parenting, I have experienced intense guilt and shame after my own explosions. I have cried. I have felt awful to my core. This helped me work on reducing my personal triggers so that I got to this point less often. I also share this because these shameful explosions over the years were harder on me than my children. With time, I have come to appreciate that our foundation of warmth, affection, mutual respect, and abundant love more than cushions the blow of some outbursts I regret.² 

3. Consistency is good. Flexibility is better. We hear all the time how important it is to be consistent in our parenting. Structure and routines are indeed helpful for a child to thrive. Consistent approaches between co-parents are better for the child than differences that lead to unpredictability. Overall, a predictable environment helps create a calmer environment. 

   What we don’t say aloud very often, however, is how much our children change as we’re doing our best to be consistent. We can nail down the perfect daily routine for our two-year-old and then they stop their afternoon nap. Or we have iPad time limited to two 30-minute sessions at the same time every day, and then we go on a road trip and hours on the iPad saves us from losing our minds. Parents often struggle with maintaining rules such as “always pick up your toys before dinner” when sometimes that expectation is comparable to insisting the Tasmanian devil stop spinning. There are times that your sanity as a parent should trump consistency. There are times that your child is barely capable of following consistency and it’s okay to recognize that in the moment and let it go. 

   I felt more pressure in those early years because of the insistence of parenting guidance (and my own training in child development) on how key consistency is. It saved me from the daily bathtime battle when a friend said her child only bathed a couple times a week. When we can be flexible in our expectations of ourselves and our little ones, it gives all of us space to breathe.

Parenting in our modern culture is ripe for self-criticism and feelings of failure. Parenting young children in our culture multiplies those feelings tenfold. I’m here to shout from the rooftops: There’s no “right” way. You’re not “getting it wrong.”³

The Narrative and Counter-Narrative

My personal narrative from parenting young children is that I was terrible at it. Impatient. Exhausted. Not very present. Overwhelmed. Ineffective. I would never want to go back.

My favorite video from when my girls were young was when I announced my pregnancy of their future brother. At ages two and four, they sat at our kitchen island waiting expectantly as my husband filmed the reveal. When I surprised them that “there’s a baby in my tummy” and showed them the ultrasound, my two-year-old’s high-pitched voice whined, “iwannasee iwannasee” until I brought it closer to her. My four-year-old, who clearly better grasps the reality of another baby, ramps up in excitement and declares, “I have a baby in my tummy too!” She points proudly at her stomach. The little sister takes all cues from big sister, mimicking her expressions and behavior. They start to squeal and swing their bodies side to side in their chairs.

Ten years later, of course I notice that I can still see those baby faces in their 12 and 14-year-old faces. How sweet and funny they were then, and still are. How much they’ve changed while also being the same in so many ways. But what really captures my attention is me in the video. I don’t fit my own narrative of how universally lacking I was. I am affectionate, calm with the whining and ramping up of wildness, laughing at my child’s insistence she too is pregnant. I am clearly connected deeply with both of my daughters. I see joy, tenderness, fun, and so much love. 

It’s easier to observe this with the distance of time. It’s like I’m watching from outside of myself rather than with the warped view from inside my head. The moments of humor, connection and delight get lost in our negative-bias brains remembering the bad stuff.

Here's the most excellent news for parents in in the young child parenting season right now: despite feeling like I wish I had a redo with my kids in those early years, I didn’t break my kids or my relationships with them. We are close and I feel confident most of the time that whatever missteps I keep making, they’re okay and we’re okay. Despite how I felt, I was doing great, and I’m pretty sure you are too. You might just need to hear it.

Are you parenting toddlers or toddler-adjacent kids? How are you doing? Have you survived parenting toddlers? Share your wisdom!

In the Media

I had the great pleasure of appearing on a non-parenting podcast, Who’s Missing?, to talk about my personal journey leading up to my passion for creating a healthier parenting culture. It’s the most personal I’ve been in an interview courtesy of host Emily Drake’s deep curiosity. And we laughed a lot (there’s even a blooper reel haunting Instagram).

I also ventured out of parenting to discuss another caregiving role relevant to many parents of our generation: caring for a parent with dementia. I interviewed Dr. Brent Forester for Psychologists Off the Clock about his book, The Complete Family Guide to Dementia. If you’re in this situation, I hope the interview and/or book can serve as a supportive resource!

How I’ve Been Relaxing

Now, for non-parenting relaxation time! I loved Rebecca Makkai’s novel, I Have Some Questions for You, about a true crime podcast host who returns to the scene of her high school roommate’s murder at their boarding school. I also finally got to the Sex Lives of College Girls on Max after hearing about it since it came out in 2021. A half-hour comedy (rated MA for good reason!), I’m falling in love with each character’s endearing identity search and I laugh out loud every episode.

In parenting solidarity!

Emily

**You can order Autonomy-Supportive Parenting: Reduce Parental Burnout and Raise Competent, Confident Children on Amazon and Bookshop.

1. I don’t know who “they” are but I heard it once from a friend. It stuck in my head. Then I started hearing it everywhere!

2. Carla Naumburg’s How to Stop Losing Your S**t With Your Kids is a must-read for every parent’s bookshelf! Carla is hilarious, real, compassionate and a total gem in the parenting world. I mean, the title says it all.

3. Every parent of a toddler (and preschooler and some older kids) needs Rebecca Schrag Hershberg’s The Tantrum Survival Guide. She’ll help you feel like you’re not always “getting it wrong” and gives excellent guidance on understanding and responding to tantrums effectively.