As a mom of a 19-month old and a newborn, I needed this today! My poor toddler is thirsting for attention and she's starting to have some trouble with transitions. I feel terrible and I miss all the uninterrupted time with her. Last night she whined at my feet, wanting to be held while I was making dinner. Definitely made me feel like a failure. But then I did her bath and bedtime while my husband took the newborn so that we could have some quality snuggle time and that felt like a small win.
Aw!! I've been there Lauren. A toddler and newborn is a setup to feel like you're always letting down someone. I hope you can be gentle with yourself! It is humanly impossible to meet a toddler's every emotional need, so hopefully you can balance your needs with hers. And then savor those moments of close togetherness! The great thing about toddlers is they love to love us :)
I write to you from the far end of parenting -- my youngest child is 18 & graduated high school last weekend -- and I am here to tell you this: All those things listed under "Everything I Needed to Know About Parenting I Learned in the Toddler Years" absolutely remain true & relevant thru the teenage years.
And also: What you wrote here - "My passion to be a compassionate voice of support and empowerment in the parenting world comes from my own sense of inadequacy and failure in those years." -- is also why I write & talk about raising boys. A couple of my kids were recently asking about something that happened in about 2003 and I went back to my journals from that time for more details. I was so lost & overwhelmed! Flailing, uncertain, but also certain I was screwing up. I'm sure I *did screw up -- we all do -- but from this vantage point, it's also pretty clear that I didn't screw up royally, as we used to say. My kids are all decent adults. We're all pretty strongly connected. So, despite my internal narrative at the time, hindsight seems to suggest I did a pretty good job. Other parents, you are too.
I love hearing from veteran parents who have gotten to the other side -- thank you! It's so validating. I always wonder what my older self would tell me now . . .
And thank you for the work you do to help parents!
Oh, yes the consistency thing was so hard for me, too! That was one from training that was not always helpful to me. Every parent needs to hear all of this. Thank you Emily.
This was the pep talk I needed this morning! Lots of big feelings from my two-year-old right now and feel very much in it. Thank you for these VERY helpful words.
I honestly felt like my wiring was just completely contrary to dealing well with young kids. I like order, reason, and efficiency. That is the opposite of life with toddlers! Good luck riding the waves of those big feelings :) I'm glad the pep talk came at a good time!
“depersonalizing my children’s behaviors and emotions has helped me be less reactive.” This was a light bulb thing for me when my oldest was 7, and I started realizing that he had what used to be called Aspergers. This was when I realized he wasn’t doing things purposely to upset me - he was doing things because he couldn’t help it. When I realized it wasn’t about me - it was about him, it completely changed my parenting.
I needed a lot of this perspective today. My oldest is graduating this week and I’ve been looking back and wishing I could have done things better 😂 and wondering how bad I failed. I have four teenagers now - 13, 14, 16, and 18. My therapist is great though- when I was telling her how worried I was that I had failed, she brought out a thing - she asked if I knew the ACES test, and I thought she was going to tell me how traumatized my kids were hahaha, but it was the opposite. A list of things that parents do that are good for their kids. So, she helped me see all the things that I did right. I’m going to have to google and see if I can find the name of what it was.
This was so encouraging, thank you! I'm still in the thick of 3s with my son. I know from my daughter (6), this too shall pass but a lot of days are rough.
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been feeling down the last few days and less able to be “present” with my 4 and 2 year old. My 4 year old told me at bedtime I was her “best friend in the whole wide world” (although in the midst of a never ending bedtime I couldn’t figure out why this was the case!) but I think it’s reflective of what you pointed out— our kids don’t see us with the same judgmental eye we see ourselves.
My son is no longer in this category. He’s 5 1/2. And from my experience, there is so much judging. And when you come from an immigrant family, there’s even more - from your own parents. They criticize you for not adhering to the “old ways,” even if said “old ways” are no longer used by this generation of parents. Like baby led weaning. I was totally going to do it when my son turned 6 months but my mom was all “he’s going to choke! Are you trying to kill your child?” Our nanny at that time, who was from a similar culture, refused to do it for “liability reasons.” We ended up going hybrid, but it did delay him from figuring out how to eat on his own. Good thing he is not a picky eater. In fact he eats more things than me (like calamari and octopus)! If you’re wondering why I didn’t set any boundaries, it’s because it’s very tough in collectivist cultures like ancestral culture.
I needed to read this today, there have been many big feelings this week. I have a 5 year old, almost 3 year old and will soon have a newborn so I feel like I need to get some perspective now in order to cope with the chaos that is imminent. (More chaos than usual, I mean.)
As a mom of a 19-month old and a newborn, I needed this today! My poor toddler is thirsting for attention and she's starting to have some trouble with transitions. I feel terrible and I miss all the uninterrupted time with her. Last night she whined at my feet, wanting to be held while I was making dinner. Definitely made me feel like a failure. But then I did her bath and bedtime while my husband took the newborn so that we could have some quality snuggle time and that felt like a small win.
Aw!! I've been there Lauren. A toddler and newborn is a setup to feel like you're always letting down someone. I hope you can be gentle with yourself! It is humanly impossible to meet a toddler's every emotional need, so hopefully you can balance your needs with hers. And then savor those moments of close togetherness! The great thing about toddlers is they love to love us :)
I write to you from the far end of parenting -- my youngest child is 18 & graduated high school last weekend -- and I am here to tell you this: All those things listed under "Everything I Needed to Know About Parenting I Learned in the Toddler Years" absolutely remain true & relevant thru the teenage years.
And also: What you wrote here - "My passion to be a compassionate voice of support and empowerment in the parenting world comes from my own sense of inadequacy and failure in those years." -- is also why I write & talk about raising boys. A couple of my kids were recently asking about something that happened in about 2003 and I went back to my journals from that time for more details. I was so lost & overwhelmed! Flailing, uncertain, but also certain I was screwing up. I'm sure I *did screw up -- we all do -- but from this vantage point, it's also pretty clear that I didn't screw up royally, as we used to say. My kids are all decent adults. We're all pretty strongly connected. So, despite my internal narrative at the time, hindsight seems to suggest I did a pretty good job. Other parents, you are too.
I love hearing from veteran parents who have gotten to the other side -- thank you! It's so validating. I always wonder what my older self would tell me now . . .
And thank you for the work you do to help parents!
Oh, yes the consistency thing was so hard for me, too! That was one from training that was not always helpful to me. Every parent needs to hear all of this. Thank you Emily.
Thank you Kathryn! My temperament really likes consistency and order too, so it's been a tough one to let go of, but also so liberating.
Me, too! This has been my ultimate growth as an adult :)
Thank you for this!
- Mom of 6yo and 3yo
This was the pep talk I needed this morning! Lots of big feelings from my two-year-old right now and feel very much in it. Thank you for these VERY helpful words.
I honestly felt like my wiring was just completely contrary to dealing well with young kids. I like order, reason, and efficiency. That is the opposite of life with toddlers! Good luck riding the waves of those big feelings :) I'm glad the pep talk came at a good time!
Thank you. Beautiful words and just what I needed to read! (I’m mum to 3 kids - 7, 3 & 1).
This makes me so happy -- and you're deep in the trenches -- I promise it gets easier!
“depersonalizing my children’s behaviors and emotions has helped me be less reactive.” This was a light bulb thing for me when my oldest was 7, and I started realizing that he had what used to be called Aspergers. This was when I realized he wasn’t doing things purposely to upset me - he was doing things because he couldn’t help it. When I realized it wasn’t about me - it was about him, it completely changed my parenting.
I needed a lot of this perspective today. My oldest is graduating this week and I’ve been looking back and wishing I could have done things better 😂 and wondering how bad I failed. I have four teenagers now - 13, 14, 16, and 18. My therapist is great though- when I was telling her how worried I was that I had failed, she brought out a thing - she asked if I knew the ACES test, and I thought she was going to tell me how traumatized my kids were hahaha, but it was the opposite. A list of things that parents do that are good for their kids. So, she helped me see all the things that I did right. I’m going to have to google and see if I can find the name of what it was.
First, FOUR teens at once? You're amazing. Second, I want to see this ACES test -- it sounds like something all parents could use!
I will ask my therapist because I didn’t have much luck trying to google. It’s the opposite of an ACES test a the ACES test measures childhood trauma.
This was so encouraging, thank you! I'm still in the thick of 3s with my son. I know from my daughter (6), this too shall pass but a lot of days are rough.
So rough! And I'm kind of embarrassed how long it seemed to take me to have these epiphanies. I'm so glad this felt encouraging!
I just ordered "The Tantrum Survival Guide" -- thank you for the recommendation, and for writing this piece! I really needed to hear this today. ❤️
Thank you so much for this! I’ve been feeling down the last few days and less able to be “present” with my 4 and 2 year old. My 4 year old told me at bedtime I was her “best friend in the whole wide world” (although in the midst of a never ending bedtime I couldn’t figure out why this was the case!) but I think it’s reflective of what you pointed out— our kids don’t see us with the same judgmental eye we see ourselves.
My son is no longer in this category. He’s 5 1/2. And from my experience, there is so much judging. And when you come from an immigrant family, there’s even more - from your own parents. They criticize you for not adhering to the “old ways,” even if said “old ways” are no longer used by this generation of parents. Like baby led weaning. I was totally going to do it when my son turned 6 months but my mom was all “he’s going to choke! Are you trying to kill your child?” Our nanny at that time, who was from a similar culture, refused to do it for “liability reasons.” We ended up going hybrid, but it did delay him from figuring out how to eat on his own. Good thing he is not a picky eater. In fact he eats more things than me (like calamari and octopus)! If you’re wondering why I didn’t set any boundaries, it’s because it’s very tough in collectivist cultures like ancestral culture.
I've read Rebecca Makkai's I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS FOR YOU in November and December 2023.
[also listened to a really great podcast about it through Read This by Michael Williams].
Wanted to add that Coulson adds to the HALT acronym: Sick and Stressed.
Hershberg also talked about positive parenting with older kids.
I needed to read this today, there have been many big feelings this week. I have a 5 year old, almost 3 year old and will soon have a newborn so I feel like I need to get some perspective now in order to cope with the chaos that is imminent. (More chaos than usual, I mean.)